The Juice Bar

The offseason has been kind of a clunker so far. No oomph, no passion, no blockbuster deals — not much more than recycling some warm bodies. And coping with Super Bowl Loser syndrome.

The Draft is two weeks off. Maybe that will juice things up. The team wasn’t good enough last year and, on paper, it’s less good now. So juice is definitely called for.

Juicing things up was way much more easier thirty years ago, when youth was still on my side. There was drugs, enormous quantities of booze, criminal activity, lecherous shenanigans, and most of all the illusion of self-importance, the grandness of one’s own being.

I was on the back deck this morning, staring up into the dark, clear sky at the huge constellation Scorpius, just above the southern horizon. Somehow I got to wondering what particular guy in history was the first to nudge his fellow man and say, “Hey, Hairball, those stars look like a scorpion!”

Whoever it was, he died without proper historical credit. It was probably sometime in antiquity around when the ancient astronauts popped down to earth for some R&R and got the idea that injecting a cognitive virus into a couple of monkeys would screw this wonderful planet up in a hurry. Cosmic pranksters.

Now, many years later, we’re sitting here fondling the valium bottle over the idea of Craig Dahl becoming the starting FS for the team next year. In fairness to Dahl, he might not be the worst safety in the league, but it’s close. And while the 49ers are signing the White Dahlia, the Seahawks are signing guys like Percy Harvin, one of the most dangerous offensive talents in the league. And a guy the 49ers have never been able to defend against.

I don’t want to put too much pressure on Trent Baalke, but he better get this draft right. The 49er offense seems good to go for many years, but the defense needs some fresh meat. Prime meat.

Vic Fangio could be on the hot seat this year, too. His track record as a DC is not very reassuring. His defenses have started good and gotten worse every place he’s been. They got worse in a hurry during last year’s playoffs. Maybe it was the injuries, and maybe not.

Right now, it feels like 2013 will be a re-group year. After 18 long years, we finally made it back to the SB last year, then we blew the damn game. It’s going to take awhile to shake off that failure.

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Posted in Angst 101
37 comments on “The Juice Bar
  1. BergerNo Gravatar says:

    I would rank us tied for third with Green Bay in the NFC this coming year, behind Atlanta and Seattle.

  2. bullitNo Gravatar says:

    Harvin has potential but I think he is overhyped.
    In four years he has averaged about 7 TDs a season (29 total TDs).
    That said I think a drafting priority should be given to a slot corner like Mathieu if he’s identified as being able to blanket quick slot receivers, a job that Rogers clearly was not up to and was toasted weekly depending on the matchup.
    I would overdraft and bring in 2 corners because we have the picks.

  3. Del Mar DennisNo Gravatar says:

    So Skeebers is a fellow ancient astronaut theorist? Who woulda thunk it. If you can tell me what the deal is with Giorgio Tsoukalos’s hair, you can be the first one to greet them when they return.
    I think the aliens forgot to take Giorgio with ’em when they left last time.

  4. unca_chuckNo Gravatar says:

    Ha ha. My son went thrugh that phase. Dude’s hair is funny as hell as it changes shape in every different shot.
    White Dahlia, eh? Nice.
    You tossing this season away already, Skeebs?

  5. Grumpy GuyNo Gravatar says:

    My early gut feeling is that we will go something like 10-6 and win the division again. The Squawks will look better on paper than in reality, as the league cracks down on their thug CBs and teams scheme for their Mighty Mite QB. I think we lose in the playoffs, possibly to Hotlanta, who go on to beat the Peytons in the Super Bowl.

  6. Del Mar DennisNo Gravatar says:

    Check out Grump already making predictions. I’ll wait until after the draft when we trade up to draft Tavon Austin and then select a shitty NT like Jesse Williams who will only play on 1st downs if he even see the field to declare our season over.

  7. bullitNo Gravatar says:

    Lions signed this guy from Norway to compete with Akers.
    Is he for real or has the dog & pony show come to Motown?

  8. robNo Gravatar says:

    WE ARE the best team in the NFC ! WE CAN beat both new england and baltimore ! this makes us the best team in football bar none !

  9. robNo Gravatar says:

    WE ARE going to draft a new starter at free safety and add another quality D-lineman in this draft !

  10. BergerNo Gravatar says:

    Del- Have you noticed how Tavon Austin is always open?

  11. bullitNo Gravatar says:

    Niners Nation provides a definitive look at the 2014 Niner salary cap situation. Good info and props as it is put together well.

  12. bullitNo Gravatar says:

    Fangio does need to set up a rotation and keep the Dline fresh.
    The only way the Dline improves is to give the younger players snaps to gain valuable experience.
    Niners have to realize that fatigue leads to injuries.

  13. BergerNo Gravatar says:

    bullit- About the d-line, I’ve heard that somewhere before!

  14. bullitNo Gravatar says:

    Preaching to the choir.
    A wiseguy once said…

  15. bullitNo Gravatar says:

    Two players that initially were sure fire first round picks slipping are Datone Jones DL and Alex Okafor DL. They would be value picks in the mid to late 2nd round depending on what the reason for the downgrade is.
    Both can play DE in the 3-4 and DT in the 4-3.

  16. BergerNo Gravatar says:

    I heard on the radio yesterday that Jones has a bad neck and that is what is dropping him. Nobody seems to know how bad the risk is. Does a team spend a first round pick on that situation?

  17. bullitNo Gravatar says:

    Up to the team medical staff to evaluate if the injury is chronic
    or fixable.
    For some reason I always think of Kevin Faigan (filter won’t allow me to spell it correctly)
    Sometimes it doesn’t work out like a couple of years ago when we took a chance on Joe Cohen.
    I start rolling the dice in the 3rd round.

  18. Del Mar DennisNo Gravatar says:

    There’s another Longhorn in addition to Kenny Vaccaro that I’d love the Niners drafting, Alex Okafor. Every time I watched Texas play that SOB was gettin’ after the quarterback. Not to mention his 4 1/2 sack performance vs Oregon St. in a bowl game.
    I wish I had the pleasure of hitting 4 1/2 beavers in one night.

  19. bullitNo Gravatar says:

    Stupidly Tampa Bay is still pursuing Revis.
    One of the strings attached to the trade might be the Bucs take Sanchez too. They can throw in Tebow for a ride on the pirate ship while they’re at it.
    Tampa Bay can’t be that desperate or stupid but you never know.

  20. Del Mar DennisNo Gravatar says:

    Berger can attest, I kept calling Okafor “Orakpo” over the phone while he was sacking Beavers left and right.
    And if Baalke trades up to draft Tavon Austin, he’s going to get “Orakpoed.” He, too, won’t be seeing me at the pancake social.

  21. Del Mar DennisNo Gravatar says:

    Bullit, that’s one helluva beaver story. I especially enjoyed the Asian journalist. Fabulous red dress. Reminded me of the Kaley Cuoco dress I posted over at Chuck’s. Donna Karan? Never can go wrong with her design. Anywho…as great as a beaver story as that was, I still prefer the one told by Jeff Foxworthy where a man had his nipple bit off by a beaver. Although there weren’t any fatalities involved, the man lived to tell the story.
    I’d love to be the “Beaver Nipple-Guy” That would be one helluva story for me to tell down at the Antlers. Screw Gino Torretta and his Heisman Trophy. Both his brother Geoff and I were better QBs.

  22. Del Mar DennisNo Gravatar says:

    Sorry, Skeebers. I got carried away with my last comment and used the F word when telling what Gino Torretta can go do to himself. Please change that to “screw.” I love me some R and X-Rated films, but nothing wrong be being PG-13 every once in awhile…

  23. bullitNo Gravatar says:

    Didn’t know beavers were considered rodents. I do know they have sharp teeth that can cut through a tree and that’s reason enough to keep your distance. Hell even a rabid squirrel or chipmunk can kill you.
    We need to respect feral animals
    because they are unpredictable.

  24. unca_chuckNo Gravatar says:

    You had to know this was coming

  25. unca_chuckNo Gravatar says:

    Bullitt, you keep flashing your nuts at the park, and you’ll get seriously injured by squirrels . . .

  26. BergerNo Gravatar says:

    This is not a joke. I was at a clients yesterday and the street was flooded. Turns out a beaver dammed up the creek and the water diverted to the road!

  27. winderNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks chuck, first time I saw that one.

  28. BergerNo Gravatar says:

    That’s the first time I ever heard a Primus song. Could be the last.

  29. bullitNo Gravatar says:

    Seahags sign Antoine Winfield to one year deal. He is a short CB 5’9″ who will be 36 years old. To put it into perspective Ahmed Plummer is 37 years old now and Nate Clements is 33. He is old and Petey might as well have signed Charles Woodson who’s also 36.
    Shawntae Spencer is only 31 years old and was let go because Niners wanted to get younger healthier and more durable CBs.

  30. bullitNo Gravatar says:

    Barrows posted a list of Safety prospects and how the Niners have interacted with them.
    Barrows cleverly called it a safety check.

  31. bullitNo Gravatar says:

    Off season conditioning starts on Monday for the entire team.
    One new Niner extremely happy is Colt McCoy who appreciates the winning vibe he was used to in college.

  32. bullitNo Gravatar says:

    Hope Baalke learns who did this and avoids wasting high draft picks on these fools. This should raise red flags for obvious reasons.
    If you go out of town for a job interview and your hotel room is funded by your potential employer
    it’s a good idea not to vandalize your room if you want to be hired.

  33. bullitNo Gravatar says:

    Marcus Lattimore with Jon Gruden.
    Niners should take a chance on Marcus lattimore as Frank Gore’s replacement. Pluck him in the 3rd round.

  34. Grumpy GuyNo Gravatar says:

    I could see someone taking a big chance on Lattimore and using a pick in the late second round.

  35. SkeebersNo Gravatar says:

    New post is up.

2021 Schedules
09/12: W 49ers 41, Lions 33
09/19: W 49ers 17, Eagles 11
09/26: L Packers 30, 49ers 28
10/03: L Seahawks 28, 49ers 21
10/10: L Cardinals 17, 49ers 10
10/17 BYE
10/24: L Colts 30, 49ers 18
10/31: W 49ers 33, Bears 22
11/07: L Cardinals 31, 49ers 17
11/15: W 49ers 31, Rams 10L
11/21: W 49ers 30, Jaguars 10
11/28: W 49ers 34, Vikings 26
12/05: L Seahawks 30, 49ers 23 12/12 · 10:00 AMCIN
12/19 · 1:05 PM v ATL
12/23 · 5:20 PM v TEN
01/02 · 1:05 PM v HOU
01/09 · 1:25 PM @ LAR

2021 Draft Class
1. QB Trey Lance, North Dakota State
2. OG Aaron Banks, Notre Dame
3. RB Trey Sermon, Ohio State
3. CB Ambry Thomas, Michigan
5. OG/OT Jaylon Moore, Western Michigan
5. CB Deommodore Lenoir, Oregon
5. S Talanoa Hufanga, USC
6. RB Elijah Mitchell, Louisiana
2021 Prognostications
Bullit: 12-5
Grumpy: 13-4
NJ49er: 11-6
Skeebers: 14-3
Winder: 12-5
Rob: 17-0
Spitblood: 0-17