Trivial Pursuits

The AFC SB contestants are a never ending parade of Peyton Manning teams, Tom Brady, and Ben Roethlisberger, with a one year fluke appearances by Joe Flacco, Trent Dilfer, and Rich Gannon. Going on 16 years now. Just those 3.03 guys, representing just six franchises.

The NFC likes to spread the wealth around. Kurt Warner, Kerry Collins, Brad Johnson, Jake Delhomme, Donovan McNabb, Matt Hasselbeck, Rex Grossman, Eli Manning, Drew Brees, Aaron Rodgers, Colin Kapernick, Russell Wilson, and now Cam Newton. Thirteen different guys, representing eleven different franchises. The only NFC franchises not to make a trip to the SB this century are the Vikings, Lions, Redskins, Falcons, and Cowboys.

The NFC West is the only division in the entire NFL to have all of its teams get to the SB this century. Five trips, with only one title to show for it.

And that concludes our Super Bowl coverage for 2015. Now back to our local affiliate, the San Francisco 49ers.

It’s generally considered that Jed York hired Chip Kelly out of desperation. York needed a big name after the Jim Tomsula fiasco and Kelly was just about the only one out there. This is good. Left to his own devices, York rarely makes good decisions. When cornered, though, he leaps into any lifeboat available, like the villain in The Titanic.

That’s how we got Jim Harbaugh, and maybe Kelly can provide some magic, too. At the very least, he’ll be more than interesting. After a year of Tomsula et al, that is probably all we can expect for now.

Besides, this year is not about the HC. It’s all about the GM, Trent Baalke. York and Baalke have managed, for now, to place all the blame for last year on Tomsula and his laughable staff. But these two hired Tomsula after coming to the conclusion that Harbaugh was not so much a great coach, but just a guy who had a great record. We can imagine that neither of them was sitting over a bowl of peyote when they deduced this gargantuan idiocy, which leaves us with nothing to imagine except York and Baalke are just plain stupid.

At any rate, if 2016 doesn’t pan out, it might be Baalke who finally gets the blame and the axe. This would really put York out of his comfort zone, forcing him to bring in a bona fide GM, and not just a brown nosing bum sliding into the vacuum left when Scot McCloughan was fired. And that is probably the best thing to hope for. An uncomfortable York, surrounded by guys who know football, might be just the ticket for inducing him to finally get his meddling butt out of that end of the business.

Or York could just flounder around ineptly forever. But, hey, I’m trying to restart the fan engine here. Some willing suspension of disbelief should certainly be forgivable.

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Posted in Delusional Therapy

Chip and the Dip

Chip Kelly introduced himself to the Bay Area media Wednesday. It went well. None of the grunting, mumbling, sweating, stammering, furtive and incoherent rambling made notorious by his inept predecessor Jim Tomsula. Crisp, witty, intelligent. Terrific.

If this was 2011, I’d be cautiously excited. But it’s 2016 and Jed York just spent the past year sucking the life out of the franchise and squandering a whole bunch of good will in the process. Hauling out the pom-poms at this point is a bit much to expect.

At any rate, we’ll have to reserve judgment on Chip until next September. We’ll definitely see an improved offense, but whether that translates to improved win totals remains to be seen.

York said Kelly would be the coach here for a long time. Period. Not sure what York considers a “long time.” The longest any HC has been here during the York ownership was the four years Jim Harbaugh put in. Two final years of Steve Mariucci‘s tenure, two with Dennis Erickson, three and a half with Mike Nolan, two and a half with Mike Singletary. York just can’t help himself with overstating his decisions and their impact.

But he obviously feels his job is done for now and he can prepare himself to strut around at the Super Bowl, hoping the negative banner flying guys will be pleased enough to shit can their assault. Personally, I hope they get a plane up on the big day and just cut to the chase: “JED YORK STILL SUCKS!”

All we need to complete the misery now is to see the effing Patriots get to the SB and win the damn thing. Please, Lord. I’ll never sin again. I’ll say something nice about unca_chuck, even though it would be a bald face lie. Please, take them out of the playoffs! It’s too much to bear.

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Posted in Mindless Drivel

Desperate Guys’ Club

The Santa Clara Yorkies hired an actual NFL head coach last Thursday. Last year’s meathead D-line coach experiment might have seemed cutting edge to Jed York and Trent Baalke, but the 2015 season revealed that edge to be as sharp as the cognitive process of a guy in a coma. Baby steps back to reality for the dysfunctional duo.

The Chip Kelly hire has generated a lot of buzz, both pro and con. However it plays out, at least the franchise will inch away from being a league wide joke. For York, that’s all the win he needs at this point. It’s doubtful he’s ever before experienced the humiliation heaped upon him last year. And all of it richly deserved.

It also conveniently moves the spotlight off him and onto Kelly and Baalke. Two guys with dinged reputations, probably determined to restore their good names. Maybe they’ll succeed. Maybe they’ll fail. Maybe they’ll come to blows. Whatever, at least the Niners will be interesting next year, something last year’s team was not.

Of course, none of this means the Niners will be contenders in 2016. Just not an embarrassment. Maybe.

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Posted in The Usual Suspects

Damage Control

Wildcard weekend was mostly entertaining. All four home teams lost. Two were beaten soundly and two snatched defeat from the jaws of victory, one via thug idiocy and the other via the traditional mode of gagging. If it’s any consolation, none of the losers had a prayer in hell of advancing to the Super Bowl anyway.

Back on the home front, we’re actually having to watch the 49ers chase after Hue Jackson to be the next Niner head coach. This involves an alternate definition of the word “gagging.”

Not that it matters much for the coming year or two or three or more. The only thing Jed York is looking for now is a modicum of respectability. Firing Jim Harbaugh revealed York to be a guy you don’t want to work for, and then hiring Jim Tomsula proved York is a flaming idiot, also. These two blunders will take years, perhaps decades, to recover from.

No, 8-8 territory will be just fine for the little round headed kid. He’ll act like we’re on our way to the top. Jackson is probably as good a guy as any to waste the next three or four years of our lives. More or less.

At this point in time, the HC is not the problem. He’s not the solution, either, but until we have a roster of good players, the franchise will be spinning its wheels. And the reason we don’t have good enough players is GM Trent Baalke. What he’s done to the roster over the past five years borders on criminal negligence.

At any rate, the Mediocre Era enters Year II. Time to pull up a chair and watch another exodus of players while Dumb and Dumber flounder through the offseason, trying desperately to bring the fans back to the stadium come September.

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Posted in Angst 101

Bring In The Next One

Here we are again, embarked on a world wide search for the 49ers next head coach.

Jed York dismissed the idea, at his presser, that the team would have trouble attracting a good coach. This was an attempt to evade discussing the damage he and GM Trent Baalke had done to the franchise credibility and to pretend like it didn’t matter. Sorry, Jed. Flunk.

York and Baalke couldn’t even utter Jim Harbaugh‘s name this past year, but when they were explaining their batting averages, Harbaugh was claimed as a HIT and Tomsula a swing and a miss. Which of course brought up the obvious question of why did they fire the HIT in the first place. Next question, please.

A few kool-aid gulpers thought it was admirable that York stood up there and “held himself accountable.” Uh, what else was he supposed to do? I mean, they’ve got a half-empty stadium, planes flying over it reaming York, media from all around the country treating him like a laughingstock. A little tough to ignore.

In addition, a close perusal of Jed’s ears revealed a distinctly box-shaped arrangement, with a reddish hue. It was not possible to ascertain whether mommy and daddy had also administered the Adrian Peterson treatment, probably shortly after the grand debacle in Cleveland which embarrassed the entire family, so we’ll leave that to your imagination — in case you haven’t suffered enough yet.

At any rate, it’s anybody’s guess how long this year’s charade will endure before the next 49er HC is introduced, with great fanfare, but no doubt a lot of skepticism, disappointment, anger, despair, eyeball-rolling disbelief. And only a snowball’s chance in hell that we will be getting someone who can turn this club into a playoff contender.

In the meantime, after four months of watching the 49ers, it will be a pleasant change to view some decent football teams this coming month.

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Posted in FOS Speculation
2015 Schedule
1. 9/14 vs MIN - W
2. 9-20 @ PIT - L
3. 9/27 @ ARI - L
4. 10-4 vs GB - L
5. 10/11 @ NYG - L
6. 10/18 vs BAL - W
7. 10/22 vs SEA - L
8. 11/1 @ STL - L
9. 11/8 vs ATL - W
10. 11/15 BYE
11. 11/22 @ SEA - L
12. 11/29 vs ARI - L
13. 12/6 @ CHI - W
14. 12/13 @ CLE - L
15. 12/20 vs CIN - L
16. 12/27 @ DET - L
17. 1/3 vs STL - W
The Harbaugh Scoreboard
1. Cardinals: 13-3
2. Michigan: 10-3
  [Harbaugh, Drevno]
3. Redskins: 9-7
4. Bills: 8-8
4. Colts: 8-8
6. Raiders: 7-9
  [Crabtree, Seely]
7. Bears: 6-10
  [Fangio, Donatell]
8. 49ers: 5-11
  [Not Harbaugh]
9. Chargers: 4-12
  [Stevie Johnson]
10. Titans: 3-13
  [Walker, Cox]
2015 Prognostications
NJ49er: 7-9
Bakkentom: 3-13
Grumpy: 5-11
Winder: 10-6
Bythorn: 5-10-1
Phil Fan: 6-10
Spitblood: 2-14
RTFirefly: 5-11
Bullit: 6-9-1
Skeebers: 6-10
Rob: 9-7
Chuck: 11-5

2015 Draft Class
1 Arik Amstead, DE
2 Jaquiski Tartt, S
3 Eli Harold, OLB
4 Blake Bell, TE
4 Mike Davis, RB
4 DeAndre Smelter, WR
5 Bradley Pinion, P
6 Ian Silberman, OG
7 Trenton Brown, OT
7 Rory Anderson, TE