In the Interim

News out of camp last week was that Jim Tomsula is “not just a meathead D-line coach.”

This sounds suspiciously like:

“I am not a crook.”


“I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”

Not exactly a ringing endorsement of the 49ers’ new interim HC, anyway you look at it. But these are unusual times. The Niners are believed to be the first team in NFL history to have an interim HC for an entire season — assuming Tomsula makes it through the year.

It would be swell if we could give the Niners props for their innovative approach, but in truth, they had no choice. Nobody wanted to be the HC here. Following the immensely successful Jim Harbaugh was too daunting a challenge, perhaps, especially since success clearly has little value to the 49er FO.

Following Tomsula, though, should be a piece of cake. Anybody will look good in that comparison. 2016 should be a far better year to locate a real HC, not a temporary one. Admittedly, it would be a big help if Jed York’s ego were sufficiently sated by hosting the 50th Super Bowl to allow him to get the hell away from the building for a year or ten. If he’s still sitting in on job interviews come next January, though, it might be time to reluctantly add some interim silver and black to your fan costume wardrobe.

The Niners have already worked the black into the franchise uniforms. Most teams have some sort of throwback jerseys to play in a couple games each year. Showing that clueless ineptitude is back, the Niners have brought out throwup uniforms to play in. The only throwback involving the Niners is a return to the dismal teams prior to the Harbaugh era.

Don’t get me wrong. I have no problems with a few dingbats thinking Jed’s meddling is wonderful for the franchise. Every society needs a sprinkling of space balls roaming around to remind us all that sanity, although occasionally boring, and sometimes even depressing, is an infinitely superior disposition to mindless, dithering lunacy. But, in moments of politically incorrect temptation, there’s no denying these wiffle heads are gruesomely humorous.

We even have a token representative right here on the Outsider. But you’ll have to guess unca_chuck’s identity, because it would be irresponsible of me to divulge it.

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Posted in Orgainized Team Activities

Too Much Noise

There’s been a lot of pixels devoted to unraveling the hatchet job Jed York did to Jim Harbaugh, but York also undermined GM Trent Baalke, by torpedoing his choice for the 49ers’ new HC.

And some people wonder why there’s so much animosity towards York. In one offseason, he managed to screw both his HC and his GM. Not to mention all 49er fans and the team itself. This is the monumental douchebag we’re supposed to support?

Former Broncos’ OC Adam Gase was Baalke’s choice for HC, to be paired with incumbent DC Vic Fangio. That was a Harbaugh replacement team that many 49er fans could have gotten excited about. It wouldn’t have absolved York from his petty, underhanded dismissal of Harbaugh, but at least it would look like a reasonable stab at replacing him.

But York stepped in and insisted Jim Tomsula be Gase’s DC and Gase said, “Screw that.” Gase is now in Chicago as their OC, paired with Fangio — essentially the staff that Baalke wanted here.

At that point, it looks like Baalke threw up his hands and figured the only way to get Tomsula out of his hair was to hand him the HC job, conduct a draft geared to 2016, and wait for Tomsula to fall on his face this year, so Baalke could fire him at the end of the season. We’ll see at that point whether York can finally cut ties with his beloved locker room mole. We’ll also see if any other coach in the league would want to hire a guy who sold out his coach here. A guy you couldn’t trust.

York’s primary concern this year is preparing for the Super Bowl that’s coming to Santa Clara next February. The last thing he wants is an HC who distracts him all year with efforts to improve the team. He can rest assured that Tomsula won’t give him a moment’s hassle all year.

After all, when Jed’s father John York fired Steve Mariucci after a successful five year run, John gave his reason as “Too much noise.”

That’s pretty much why Jed fired Harbaugh, too. These Yorks like a quiet workplace. A lot more than they like a productive one.

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Posted in FOS Speculation

Blazing Saddles

This coming Thursday, the 49ers will be required by league rules to open up a practice for media scrutiny. It’s not known whether the new coaching staff is also required to make themselves available to the media. They have been sequestered for the past four months. One might think the 49ers are embarrassed to trot these second-raters out in front of the public just yet. Or ever.

But sooner or later, HC Jim Tomsula is going to have to stand in front of the microphone and mumble about something. They can’t hide him forever. It’s likely that his pressers this year will provide lots of laughs to NFL fans everywhere, if not particularly 49er fans. He’ll be a Youtube sensation.

In fact, Tomsula is the guy nobody wants to talk about. Nobody wants to talk about the other new coaches, either. They’ll get brief mention during the regular season, too, as Jim Harbaugh and Vic Fangio cast their long shadows over the franchise, and every game features a candid or delicate discussion of the idiocy of Jed York. Hey, camera guys, let’s get a shot of the little boy owner in his box grinning like an idiot while Rome burns at his feet.

You need five things for a team to be competitive in the NFL: good coaches, good players, a star QB, good health, and good luck.

In 2014, the 49ers only had one element — good coaches. The good players got injured, the QB played poorly, health was a disaster, and luck never had a chance to be relevant. It was a tribute to the coaching staff that the team finished 8-8, instead of much worse.

In 2015, they should have better health, but the players aren’t as good, the coaches aren’t as good, and the QB is still a big question mark. The team went 2-4 in the division last year, and it would be mildly miraculous if they did any better this year. St. Louis is better, Arizona is better, Seattle is still the best, and the Niners are the only team going backwards. You don’t have to be a genius to figure it out. Last place in the NFC West.

With the coaching staff under wraps and very little team news being disseminated, we’ll have to depend for the next three months on a rabid sect of tortured anti-Harbaughnite nutters for amusement. By the time the season actually begins, we should be prepped and ready for one of the most laughable years in 49er history.

If this were a movie, the producer and director would have to be Mel Brooks. So settle back, stock up on the popcorn. It’s going to be interesting.

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Posted in Waltzing Matilda

Forward to the Past

Posted on May 12, 2015Skeebers

The marketing wing at 4949 Centennial Blvd. has officially scrapped the “Quest for Six” slogan and replaced it with “Hooray, We Suck” banners for the 2015 season. Santa Clara tax dollars at work.

The 49ers will be holding a rookie mini-camp this Saturday, for anyone who’s interested. The new boys will presumably be indoctrinated into the team’s way of doing things and a crash course on the new offensive and defensive schemes that will be used this year. Neither the OC nor the DC has displayed a system or scheme to the NFL for over a decade, so it’s anybody’s guess what will be spewed forth.

The only thing we know for sure is that whatever these two C-men did before didn’t exactly win any awards. OC Geep Chryst has studied under Jim Harbaugh and Greg Roman for the past four years, so maybe he learned something to spice up his resume. DC Eric Mangini has mostly kicked around the league, the broadcast booth, and a couple of vague years meddling in the offense here, but maybe he learned something from watching Vic Fangio for the past two years.

As for HC Jim Tomsula, it’s still unknown what exactly he brings to the plate except some sort of apparent quid-pro-quo with owner Jed York. Tomsula says he’ll be an “enabler,” which sounds a whole lot like Mike Singletary’s “big picture guy” role from the pre-Harbaugh days. For those fans with short memory lapses, that didn’t work out too well.

I guess he’ll be trotting around the field flashing chest hair, sweating and spitting a lot, and telling the rooks how excited he is about how fantastic they are. Just a guess. I mean, what in hell else does he know how to do? He’s given a lot of credit as a D-line coach, but he’s had Justin Smith and Ray McDonald anchoring that line the whole time he was coach. Nice. The Niners have gone through four NTs in that span and they’ve all done well, if not spectacularly. But nobody else has stepped up — excuse me, been coached up — to any noteworthy level.

At any rate, it’s welcome to the NFL time for the rooks come Saturday. Hopefully, none of them will tear an ACL this weekend, which is about the only news to ever emerge from these sessions. If you’re going to blow out a knee though, young lads, best to do it now, before wasting your head digesting schemes that probably will be replaced by a new coaching staff next year. In fact, not to scare you or anything, but you might be seeing a steady stream of new schemes installed during the next few years — just like there were from 2005 – 2011, when 7 different offensive philosophies wafted their way in and out of the Niner’s world.

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Posted in The Usual Suspects

Good Cop, Bad Cop

Posted on May 8, 2015Skeebers

The 2015 Draft is mercifully concluded and we can forget about all these fellows who have been cluttering up the airways and computer monitors these past few months with their upsides, potential, downsides, measureables, and all sorts of what-not data. Good luck plebes, we’ll dissect your worth in a year or two, unless you’re a complete bust or instant star.

None of the 49er draftees will fall into the instant star category. Oh, no, not us. Instead, they’ll be lounging in the “upside” and “potential” rooms.

Meanwhile, we bloggers have three barren months to impregnate with our witty, distorted, rancorous, incisive, semi-coherent intercourse. Are we up for it? We shall see.

For readers that don’t follow along in the “comments” section, let me point out the newest addition to the site, the box in the right column entitled “The Harbaugh Scoreboard,” where we’ll be keeping track of the fate of the players and coaches who have been booted out of the building over the past three years by Jed York and Trent Baalke. Hopefully, this will help provide some entertainment this coming season, to help alleviate having to watch the team itself as it plunges back into the mediocrity of the pre-Harbaugh years.

Avid readers of detective stories know the correct way to solve a crime. Bad cops/detectives decide who they think is guilty, then set about finding evidence that supports their conclusion. Good cops/detectives keep an open mind, focus on the evidence, and follow it to where it leads.

This explains the difference between the anti-Harbaugh fans (bad cops) and the anti-York fans (good cops). Anti-Harbaughonians have a player comment here, a Deion Sanders rant there, and not much else. But nobody could have made Jay Glazer 100% sure in pre-season that Jim Harbaugh would be terminated at the end of the year except Harbaugh’s employer — Jed York. Which makes everything York has said since nothing but gutless lies and complete horseshit. What self-respecting fan could root for an owner like that? A guy who sabotaged his own team throughout the 2014 season.

The anti-Harbaugh fans are now taking their poor sleuthing methods to hysterical extremes, a typical reaction to being fundamentally wrong and unable to admit it. They think the new season will be great and the new offensive coordinator will drastically improve the offense. Never mind that the new OC presided over the worst record in San Diego history (1-15) in 2000, with their 1,062 total team rushing yards (66.4 per game) being the fewest number of rushing yards by any team in NFL history in a 16-game season.

That was 15 years ago and was the last time anybody gave the reins to Geep Chryst. Somehow, in the intervening years of shuffling around the league doing almost nothing noteworthy, this fellow has the anti-Harbaugh crowd expecting big things this year.

What could possibly lead anyone to think Chryst is going to accomplish great things this year? I mean, SERIOUSLY?

But that’s how bad cops work. They conclude things will be great, then look for evidence to support that view. From what I can see, after more than three months of looking, they have yet to find even one shred of evidence that Chryst has anything to offer whatsoever. Zippo. Nada.

But, hey, root away, feel gooders. While you can. We’ll have a box of Kleenex on hand for you when the inevitable day of awful enlightenment arrives.

OTOH, those of you hoping to get back into the top ten in the Draft next year, Geep is the right guy for the job.

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Posted in Waltzing Matilda
Recent Posts
2015 Schedule
1. 9/14 vs MIN
2. 9-20 @ PIT
3. 9/27 @ ARI
4. 10-4 vs GB
5. 10/11 @ NYG
6. 10/18 vs BAL
7. 10/22 vs SEA
8. 11/1 @ STL
9. 11/8 vs ATL
10. 11/15 BYE
11. 11/22 @ SEA
12. 11/29 vs ARI
13. 12/6 @ CHI
14. 12/13 @ CLE
15. 12/20 vs CIN
16. 12/27 @ DET
17. 1/3 vs STL
The Harbaugh Scoreboard
49ers: 0-0
  [Not Harbaugh]
Michigan: 0-0
  [Harbaugh, Drevno]
Bears: 0-0
  [Fangio, Donatell]
Bills: 0-0
Cardinals: 0-0
Chiefs: 0-0
Colts: 0-0
Redskins: 0-0
Raiders: 0-0
  [Crabtree, Seely]
Titans: 0-0
  [Walker, Cox]
2015 Draft Class
1 Arik Amstead, DE
2 Jaquiski Tartt, S
3 Eli Harold, OLB
4 Blake Bell, TE
4 Mike Davis, RB
4 DeAndre Smelter, WR
5 Bradley Pinion, P
6 Ian Silberman, OG
7 Trenton Brown, OT
7 Rory Anderson, TE