Buccaneers 34, 49ers 17

The 49ers roared out to a 14-0 lead in the first quarter Sunday, then got drubbed 34-3 the rest of the game. At home. Against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

Let’s pause for a moment of quiet reflection now. [HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Whew! Snork, snork snork.]

After sixteen years, the York family has now assembled a team that perfectly reflects the quality of their ownership. Absolutely, positively, no doubt about it dreadful.

Sunday’s stink bomb was engineered by the overpaid, washed up, zero brain matter QB who again completed less than half his passes (47%), fumbled twice, tossed an interception, and got sacked four times.

The defense also contributed mightily, giving up 513 yards, 249 of those yards on the ground. Apparently, any team in the league can pound the Niners for over 200 yards rushing — even with backup running backs.

The Niners are now neck and neck with the Chicago Bears for the number two pick in next year’s draft. The winner might well be decided when these two nothingburgers meet in Chicago on December 4th. SAVE THE DATE!

HC Chip Kelly showed off his brilliant coaching skills by calling three time outs within the final minute of the first half, then having his RB run out of bounds to stop the clock — all to allow Bradley Pinion enough seconds to punt the ball for a Bucs’ half ending kneel down.

Proving his dysfunctional acumen was no fluke, Kelly duplicated his brilliance near the end of the game by punting on 4th and 14 with 3 minutes left and behind by 17 points, essentially throwing in the towel, then using all three time outs in order to get the ball back with a minute left so the goofball QB could throw another incompletion and take another sack.

After the game, FS Eric Reid gushed about how much he loved this defense. Apparently, only a guy or two out of place here and there is all that prevents it from being great. Aaron Lynch proclaimed the team as good as any in the league. Both of these doughnuts are fans of the knucklehead QB. The 49ers are clearly cornering the market on really stupid players.

Jed York‘s mommy showed up for the game, maybe thinking the team would finally win a game. This proves she learned nothing from last year’s embarrassment in Cleveland. Hope she enjoyed the half-empty stadium and didn’t hurt herself chanting “Stop That Puck!”

Unfortunately, the 49ers have a BYE next week, so we’ll have to take a two week break from all this scintillating comedy. A chance for all of us to heal up from our split sides.

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Worst a Shires Tilt

Here it is! All you washed up QB and/or Trent Baalke fans, this is the game for you! Finally, a game the 49ers might actually win.

The Tampa Bay Bucs travel cross country, dragging their 2-3 record with them. 3,000 mile commute, wounded team, hot and cold second year QB, 49ers at home — yes, this is a winnable game. As winnable as any game left on the schedule.

This game also has the least appeal in terms of wasting your money buying a ticket to see such a drab and lifeless affair. Maybe we’ll see record low attendance. One more in-your-face moment for a Niner FO that has become the laughing stock of the league.

Tampa has the worst offense in the NFL and the Niners have the worst defense. What a pairing! Neither team’s number one RB will suit up for this game, either. Making it even more worstful.

After six games, it’s clear Chip Kelly isn’t the answer to the 49ers’ problems. He’s on pace to be a worse HC than Jim Tomsula! He’s been the answer to his own financial security, though. $24 million guaranteed. He’s making more money annually than Jim Harbaugh made. Jed York is outdoing himself in decision-making awfulness.

At what point do the Yorks pull the plug on their incompetent son? Or are they content to let him twist in the wind while turning the Niners into a Bill Bidwill the elder type of franchise?

In summary, the 49ers have the worst HC in the league, the worst DC, the worst owner, the worst GM, the worst players, and a sideline clown show to begin each game. SMFH.

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Bills 45, 49ers 16

Noooooope! Neeeeeeeeeeext!

The 49ers’ washed up, overpaid backup QB led the team to a 45-16 walloping in Buffalo Sunday, completing 45% of his passes, getting sacked three times, fumbling once, producing the lowest point total of the year, and generally reminding everyone why this chump was benched in the first place.

Not that the QB actually matters this year. The defense allowed 312 yards rushing to the Bills, nearly breaking the mark for the worst effort in Niner history — the 324 yards given up to the Rams in 1958.

That’s five straight losses for the 2016 49ers. It’s safe to say that team owner Jed York is already hard at work crafting this year’s season ending apology for yet another doofus performance from the desk of himself.

Rookie DE DeForest Buckner had two sacks, and his fellow DE Arik Armstead had one. All three sacks were for zero yardage lost, meaning Buffalo QB Tyrod Taylor was tackled at the line of scrimmage and not deep in his own backfield. Looks good on the resume, though. Especially when you’re part of a group that got run over like crash test dummies.

Time Of Possession was the usual 25 minutes for and 35 minutes against, a Chip Kelly special, delivered each and every week with astounding regularity. The team was also a wimpy 3-13 on third down conversions and 0-2 on fourth down.

The backup QB’s kneeling mate Eric Reid was scorched, torched, laughed at, and buried by the Bills’ running backs and receivers. Another Trent Baalke first round non-entity on the path toward getting a poser’s job in the private sector. The other doughnut who starts the game on his knees, OLB Eli Harold, actually belongs in the supplicant position. This third round bust has not made a single play in his year and a half of taking up space on the roster.

On the plus side, Phil Dawson made all three of his field goals. And the backup QB’s hair did not seem to suffer any damage from being squeegeed into his helmet. We’ll await a Monday report from his hair dresser.

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Return of the Jerk

The 49ers are five games into the 2016 season and already the year is a lost cause. So, why not re-insert a lost cause at QB? At this point that is just cosmetic whimsy. It’s GM Trent Baalke‘s hand picked team and it stinks. And there’s no fixing it any time soon.

The Chip Kelly offense has distinguished itself only when trailing by three touchdowns or more in the fourth quarter. In those circumstances, the offense has been fairly prolific. It has also helped the opponent run out the clock, while puffing up the yardage and points totals, and making the final score seem like there had been a reasonably competitive contest instead of a big ass butt whipping.

Now that dipshit is back under center, we can expect sack totals to increase dramatically. I’m sure the O-line guys are just thrilled. Why the Niner FO thinks a guy who has always put himself apart from and above the team is somehow going to lead them is beyond comprehension, even for the Jed York crew of dimwits. It would serve them right if the jerk shredded a knee and put the team on the hook for $14.5 wasted cap millions next year.

It took Kelly two and a half years to lose the locker room in Philly. He’s lost it here in only five games. Changing QBs is nothing more than a Hail Mary to deflect the growing criticism of Chip’s coaching and his choices for coaching assistants. And the players know it.

The staggering mess York has made of the franchise in just two short years almost defies comprehension. And yet, each week, more messes are tossed on the pile. The fans are turned off, the stadium is half empty, and we have a clown show on the sidelines every week.

Is there an exorcist in the house?

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Cardinals 33, 49ers 21

The 49ers and Cardinals spent the first half of their Thursday night game trying to cure the nations’s insomnia problem. Then, just before the first half ended, the Niners discovered they had a 7-0 lead and needed to jump start their season long second half meltdowns.

A batted ball interception and a burn job on Tramaine Brock by Larry Fitzgerald and abruptly the game was tied heading into the locker room. Coming back out for the third quarter, the Niners promptly coughed up the kickoff, ran into the field goal kicker, and Arizona suddenly had a 14-7 lead.

After a 49er three and out, Drew Stanton led the Cardinals on a legitimate TD drive, finishing it off with a 29 yarder to Fitzgerald, once again beating Brock, and Arizona quickly had assumed a commanding 21-7 lead. Their defense took over from there, sacking Blaine Gabbert seven times, after the Niner O-line had given up only three in the first four games, and adding another interception which led to a FG.

Cardinal RB David Johnson rushed for 157 yards, becoming the fourth straight rusher to gain over 100 yards against the porous SF run defense. On offense, Niner WR Jeremy Kerley caught 8 passes for 102 yards, cementing his role as the only 49er receiver who ever gets open and catches anything.

The Niners have now lost four games in a row, so it’s probably time for HC Chip Kelly to begin blaming someone else for his failed coaching. His defense has given up 140 points in the past four games, so clearly a change at QB is needed. Or maybe the 49er FO will begin this year’s leak campaign blaming someone else for the team’s stinkiness. The only guy who needs to be blamed is GM Trent Baalke, who’s built a team that lacks talent in all areas, so the equipment manager will probably soon get a pink slip.

And so, year two of the post-Harbaugh era begins to circle the drain on its inevitable journey to the hazardous waste disposal site. Time to sit back and enjoy the next eleven games of really bad football while Jed York buys a stake in a Rogaine and trembles at the thought that his young child will soon reach the age of reason and realize his father is a complete nincompoop.

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2016 Schedule
Sept. 12 vs Los Angeles: W 28-0
Sept. 18 @ Carolina: L 27-46
Sept. 25 @ Seattle: L 18-37
Oct. 2 vs Dallas: L 17-24
Oct. 6 vs Arizona: L 21-33
Oct. 16 @ Buffalo: L 16-45
Oct. 23 vs Tampa Bay: L 17-34
Sunday, Oct. 30 BYE
Sunday, Nov. 6 vs New Orleans
Sunday, Nov. 13 @ Arizona
Sunday, Nov. 20 vs New England
Sunday, Nov. 27 @ Miami
Sunday, Dec. 4 @ Chicago
Sunday, Dec. 11 vs New York Jets
Sunday, Dec. 18 @ Atlanta
Saturday, Dec. 24 @ Los Angeles
Sunday, Jan. 1 vs Seattle
2016 Draft Class
1. Deforest Buckner, DL
1. Joshua Garnett, OG
3. Will Redmond, CB
4. Rashard Robinson, CB
5. Ronald Blair, DE
5. John Theus, OT
5. Fahn Cooper, OT
6. Jeff Driskell, QB
6. Kelvin Taylor, RB
6. Aaron Burbridge, WR
7. Prince Charles Iworah, CB
2016 Prognostications
Bakkentom: 0-16
Bullit: 5-11
Chuck: 9-7, 8-8, 7-9, 10-6
Grumpy: 3-13
Mr Fletch: 4-12
NJ49er: 5-11
Phil Fan: 4-12
Rob: 9-7
RTFirefly: 7-9
Skeebers: 6-10
Spitblood: 3-13
Winder: 3-13