Third Time’s The Charm?

According to YorkiLeaks, the next 49er HC will be Kyle Shanahan. The next GM will be one of the guys from Green Bay or the one from Arizona. Until somebody signs on the dotted line, however, there’s always the chance that master screw up Jed York could kabosh the whole thing.

For the moment, we’re going to assume that York needs a win so badly, he’ll lay low, lick boot, or grovel in any fashion necessary to make sure this scenario comes to fruition. If it doesn’t, York has painted himself into a corner with no Plan B and no exit strategy.

Last year, nobody wanted to work for the Niners. Hue Jackson even picked working for the Browns over coming to Santa Clara. Ouch. If anything, after a 2-14 year which included a 13 game losing streak, the Niner HC job should be even more undesirable. But it isn’t. And that can only be because Trent Baalke is no longer here. It was him that nobody wanted to work for.

Baalke’s legacy is brutal. Under his watch, the 49ers ran off Jim Harbaugh, the most successful HC since the Yorks took over the team at the turn of the century. He also let a Super Bowl roster deteriorate into a pile of garbage, full of players who were happy and content being losers. Arguably the worst roster in the league.

Baalke’s disastrous run did enable York to discover that a popular young owner can become a hated pariah in a mere two years flat. York acknowledges some of his own culpability, but until he restores Harbaugh to his rightful place in 49er lore, he will remain a spiteful little boy who is not man enough to ever be admired or trusted.

But that’s his problem. Good luck, kid. You’ve got a long way to go and not a whole lot folks who think you’ll ever get there. But you got lucky once, when Harbaugh chose to be the HC of the 49ers, and maybe you’ll get lucky again this year when Shanahan comes aboard. At the very least, just get away from the football side of the business and give the new regime a chance to bring some pride back to this franchise. The pride you pissed away.

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And The Winner Is …

This is probably Jed York‘s last chance to show there’s functioning life going on between his ears. Picking the wrong HC is one thing. Picking the wrong GM is quite another. Whoever the new GM is, he’ll be putting his imprint on the next five to ten years of 49er football.

Who am I kidding? These are the Yorks. Jed could screw this up and still be around to screw up again and again for the next forty years.

Even if York accidentally gets one right, it won’t last. Any intelligent and competent GM/HC will not be able to keep the contempt for this miserable little fool out of their voice and out of their eyes. If there’s one thing York has probably gotten good at over the years, it’s recognizing when someone has lost respect for him.

You can bet it didn’t take long for Jim Harbaugh to reach the contempt level. And that’s when York went into overdrive with his backstabbing efforts to get Harbaugh out of town.

Who’s next to discover York is a fool? Can they get through the interview without letting it show? Are they worth hiring if they do?

We should have our answers soon. If the new FO team seems like a sensible choice, it means Paraag Marathe was running the show. It the choice seems ludicrous, it was the little meatball at the wheel.

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Tweedledum and Tweedledee

For the third straight year, the 49ers are beating the bushes looking for a new regime to hopefully convince a skeptical fanbase that they know what they’re doing. Unfortunately for them, the fanbase is, by now, 100% sure that this is not the case and never will be as long as pinhead and the bean counter are running the show.

These two pretenders have so far scheduled a boatload of interviews for both the vacant GM and HC positions. This is calculated to demonstrate they know a lot of people in the business. But it also means they’re going to sit there drooling and mumbling until somebody makes them feel tingly. Hopefully, that tingle won’t involve a candidate who’s okay with them continuing to dabble and meddle in the football side of the franchise.

Paraag Marathe, aka the bean counter, is going to like the candidates who like sabermetrics and will no doubt welcome his statistical input from the coaches booth during games.

Jed York, aka the pinhead, will mainly try to sound like he’s intelligent and not a complete dildo. Any GM or HC candidate worth a crap will have some thought bubbles rising like steam over his head during the interviews which, more or less, wonder how a complete dipwad like York could ever be put in charge of a football enterprise.

My guess is it’s Marathe that the candidates will have to impress in order to get the job they’re interviewing for. I hate to say it, but that’s probably a best case scenario. Marathe at least has an intelligent approach and a system. York is just a clueless pretender.

It was Marathe who brought in Mike Nolan to rebuild the 2004 2-14 team and Nolan hired Scot McCloughan. Together they built the championship team that Jim Harbaugh brought to fruition. The Yorks have selected Dennis Erickson, Mike Singletary, Jim Tomsula, and Chip Kelly. So, yeah, I’ll take a Marathe pick over a Jed York pick. I might even be tempted to take a Joan in accounting pick over a York guy.

You would hope that York is suffering mightily from the near universal scorn and derision shoveled his way the past two years. A normal person would. Even anonymous bloggers melt down when their egos get torched. The obvious recent hair loss points to some concern on his part. Rich kids probably learn early how to look with disdain on the everyday rabble around them, but getting slapped around by kids, women, bartenders, cab drivers, beat reporters — it’s got to put a dent in the power of disdain as body armor. He most certainly does not want to be up on the podium again next year explaining yet another disastrous choice.

Still, if you do this charade often enough, it’s entirely possible for batshit blind luck to come into play. And 2-14 isn’t all that tough to show improvement from. Then again, if anybody can screw up this opportunity, it’s Jed York. The most inept owner in all of sports.

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Seahawks 25, 49ers 23

After a brief foray into the land of the winning, a journey described hysterically by Blaine Gabbert‘s clueless backup as “huge” and “something to build on,” the 49ers reverted quickly back to the norm and tacked on a season ending loss to finish the year 2-14.

The Seahawks spotted the Niners a 14-3 lead, then ran off 22 unanswered points before yanking their starters in the fourth quarter and mercifully allowing their former rivals an opportunity to make the score seem closer than it really was. Charity from the Seahawks. Oh, how the mighty have fallen low.

And thus concludes the historically bad 2016 season of the San Francisco 49ers. May it live on in infamy. Unless next year’s team puts up an 0-16 season and establishes an even more infamous record of awfulness. They’re getting good at this Browns-like terribility, so anything is possible.

After the game, HC Chip Kelly and GM Trent Baalke were both fired. Their terminations were a bit anticlimactic since the Jed York leak machine had been spewing out the news a full 24 hours beforehand.

It was also leaked that it was Baalke who torpedoed signing Adam Gase to replace Jim Harbaugh. Whether that’s true or just another York attempt to divert attention from the asshole that fired Harbaugh in the first place, it does continue the Yorkian trend of trashing a guy on his way out the door. Even though Baalke had sucked up to the Yorks at least as much and for far longer than Jim Tomsula, who was a notorious butt-licker and locker room rat.

With these business-as-usual efforts from York, it’s not possible to have a lot of optimism that he will somehow stumble upon a decent new GM who will hire a decent new HC. We’ll get an early indication when the new duo deals with the current roster. If Colin Kaepernick is not immediately shown the door, along with the other locker room dirtbags who supported him, then the new guys will be just as clueless as the ones they are replacing.

At any rate, the York circus begins at 10:00 am this morning, with the annual Jed York eat crow and fake humility press conference. That at least will be enjoyable to watch. Even if it’s fake, watching this useless little boy grovel a bit is always a pleasure.

After that, while York and Paraag Marathe, two guys eminently unqualified for the task, begin to leak who they are interviewing and considering for the next GM and HC, we’ll all get to take a break and watch a month of playoff games featuring real teams with real organizations and coaches and all that happy decent football horseshit that we once knew here and may never again.

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Last Slice of Humble Pie

Another season has slipped away, taking with it the 49ers pride, dignity, heritage, pants, shoes, jockstraps, NFL relevance — you name it, they lost it.

The team closes out their season Sunday, at home against the Seahawks, who have beaten them six straight times. Sunday should run that string to seven and give the 2016 49ers a final record of 2-14. With a franchise record 13 game losing streak tossed in along the way.

Seattle is limping pretty badly as they get ready for the playoffs. They’ll be representing the now toothless NFC West. A win over the Niners will give them the number two seed and a BYE week if the Falcons lose. Otherwise, they’ll get the third or fourth seed. The Falcons vs Saints game will be contested at the same time as the Seahawks vs 49ers game, so Seattle will be scoreboard watching while they run up the score on the locals.

The Niners might take the field with something at stake themselves. The number one pick in the draft, if the early game between the Browns and Steelers somehow results in a Cleveland victory. That is certainly something to lose for, as if this team needs any motivation to suck.

Then we get to sit back and hold Jed York accountable. Hahahahahaha. The real question is how much he’s going to hold himself accountable. As little as he thinks he can get away with. Odds are overwhelming that it won’t be enough.

Still, it will be enjoyable to see the ridiculous little man squirm a bit.

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2016 Schedule
Sept. 12 vs Los Angeles: W 28-0
Sept. 18 @ Carolina: L 27-46
Sept. 25 @ Seattle: L 18-37
Oct. 2 vs Dallas: L 17-24
Oct. 6 vs Arizona: L 21-33
Oct. 16 @ Buffalo: L 16-45
Oct. 23 vs Tampa Bay: L 17-34
Oct. 30 BYE
Nov. 6 vs New Orleans: L 23-41
Nov. 13 @ Arizona: L 20-23
Nov. 20 vs New England: L 17-30
Nov. 27 @ Miami: L 24-31
Dec. 4 @ Chicago: L 6-26
Dec. 11 vs New York Jets: L 17-23
Dec. 18 @ Atlanta: L 13-41
Dec. 24 @ Los Angeles: W 22-21
Jan. 1 vs Seattle: L 23-25
2016 Draft Class
1. Deforest Buckner, DL
1. Joshua Garnett, OG
3. Will Redmond, CB
4. Rashard Robinson, CB
5. Ronald Blair, DE
5. John Theus, OT
5. Fahn Cooper, OT
6. Jeff Driskell, QB
6. Kelvin Taylor, RB
6. Aaron Burbridge, WR
7. Prince Charles Iworah, CB
2016 Prognostications
Closest To The Pin
  Grumpy: 3-13
  Spitblood: 3-13
  Winder: 3-13
Bakkentom: 0-16
Bullit: 5-11
Chuck: 8-8, 7-9, 9-7, 10-6
Mr Fletch: 4-12
NJ49er: 5-11
Phil Fan: 4-12
Rob: 9-7
RTFirefly: 7-9
Skeebers: 6-10