Next Sunday the 49ers have a game against the Washington Inappropriately Nameds, who practice in Virginia and play in Maryland and never set foot in Washington. A true D.C. tradition.
The Washingtons are coached by The Ultimate Leader, Mike “Bug Eyes” Shanahan. Shanahan launched his big time career by subterfugeous fondling of John Elway, which led to Al Davis hiring him to be a failed HC, which led to an OC job with Steve Young as his horse, which led him back again into the arms of Elway, who fetched Mike two SB wins, and set him up in Denver for ten years of overrated Ultimateness.
After Shanahan was fired by the Broncos, he smirked around for two years, waiting for some idiot with too much money and no football brains to open the safe and transfer shitwads of dough from it into Shanahan’s vault so that he could then mismanage yet another franchise. Washington’s owner, Dan Snyder, stepped to the plate and voila! The last place Washingtons are the result. The Ultimate Pairing of Ultimate Assholes!
In truth, Mike was a very good OC when he had a HOF QB and a great team. Then again, aren’t we all!
Some of you may be wondering if Shanahan, like, ran over one of my kids or something. Perish the thought! I just like to make fun of him and disrespect him. He should have stayed in SF. Instead, we got Marc Trestman. Ask me why I don’t like Norv Turner, either. If we played San Diego this year, I’d tell you.
Sometimes, we just don’t like people. I can see the Alex Haters nodding in understanding here. It’s not always rational, but usually it’s fun. A little throwback Id action. That inner impulse to stand up in a crowd and bellow, “You stinking bum!”
Anyhow, back to the Washington Native Americans. If I may be blunt, they don’t seem to be a very good team. In fact, they’re awful. They might be the most awfulest team the 49ers play this year. So, naturally, they’ll probably beat us and make me look like an idiot. Just kidding. No way they can win this game and I already look like an idiot so how would anybody notice the difference?
You have to hand it to Al Davis, by the way. He was very good at identifying losers, then hiring them, and then firing them and taking credit for figuring out they were losers. Which reminds me it is not going to be nearly as much fun hating the Raiders without Al around any more. They should move back to L.A. and find a new audience to hate them.
Some people like being hated — Spitblood comes to mind. Not sure what the attraction is, other than generally being a wasted collection of molecules so why not carve out a niche as a jerk. It’s pretty easy and there’s not much intentional competition. Raider fans are hated, but they’re too dumb and too wasted to know it. “Hey, we’re a Black Hole! There’s no light in here! Great. Now I can’t see how ugly my girl friend is!”
Well, that’s enough technical football talk for one column. Tomorrow we’ll lighten things up and discuss how Takeo Spikes departure unjinxed the team and freed it to make a playoff run.