As pointed out here by a Patriots fan Sunday (and expounded on by our foreign correspondent), Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis said the crime rate would rise if the lockout went on too long. I had been thinking that same thought recently myself. But Lewis and I arrived at this observation by different routes. He is a borderline criminal who was speaking factually. I am a blogger speaking sarcastically.
Lewis apparently feels that the idle player is the devil’s workshop. In his own case, this idle time occurred after a January, 2000 Super Bowl party when two guys were knifed to death in the vicinity of Lewis’ white floor length fur coat, which allegedly blood-stained ostentation managed to escape the crime scene and never be found.
Lewis was eventually charged with murder, along with two friends. He beat the rap by ratting out his friends and admitting he gave false information to the cops, which resulted in a year’s probation and a $250,000 fine by the NFL. His two friends eventually beat the rap completely, leaving two dead guys killed by unknown assailants. Four years after the murder, Lewis made a financial settlement with one of the victims’ family, and another settlement with the four year old child of the wife of the other victim. Hmmmm.
One year after this sordid affair, Lewis was the Super Bowl MVP and his long road back up the image spin trail culminated in the cover of Madden in 2005. He is now acknowledged to be one of the greatest linebackers to ever play the game and one of the worst schtick performers in Super Bowl history. Some people think he’s a big fat turd, too.
At any rate, his crime rise theory would make a person nervously await the post-careers of NFL players, which would feature full time, year around, idle time. Should these ex-NFLers be registered as crimes waiting to happen if they move into your neighborhood?
The bright side of this story is that Lewis does not play for the 49ers. If he did, we would be torturing ourselves trying to like him. We would all be pointing out his charity work and casting aspersions toward the police who arrested him back in 2000. Everybody occasionally misplaces a floor length, blood-covered, white fur coat, right? Heck. Some bum is probably curled up in it somewhere in the backstreet alleys of Atlanta.
But, as I mentioned, he doesn’t play for the 49ers, so I am free to be dispassionately observant. SHOVE IT, LEWIS! YOU’RE A BUM!
Lewis’ crime wave theory suggests that the splendid young fellows who are entering or have already entered the NFL have a propensity to lawless behavior, which is curtailed by the parental dictatorship of NFL coaches who work their asses off day and night, leaving them little time or energy to be mischievous. And, of course, there’s the random locker room drug tests that must be passed in order to stay in the league.
What is ultimately disconcerting about Lewis’ theory is that he’s probably right, and in making his remarks public may have attracted the notice of the secret and evil powers that rule the world, who will be tempted to put the football model to work on the ordinary citizens of the planet, leaving little room for lazy guys to blog on the internet all day long. Scary, man, scary.
Hey, Ray! STFU!