Alex Smith

Today, Alex Smith was Alex Smith. He was Alex Smith yesterday also. Some people believe he will be Alex Smith tomorrow, as well.

Alex Smith seems to have the business of being Alex Smith down to a science. It appears to be a sort of ordinary science, but many people seem fascinated by it. In fact, you could probably say people just can’t get their brains away from thinking about it. You can bring up just about any topic in the universe, and these people will find some way to relate it to Alex Smith.

It’s a strange phenomenon, this Alex Smith business. You would think that Alex Smith would be making a fortune out of all this rabid interest in his Alex Smithness. And, in fact, he is. Alex Smith has managed to transfer somewhere in the vicinity of $60 or $70,000,000 dollars from the York’s bank account into his. No wonder everyone is so enthralled with him! This guy is a raving genius! Everyone wishes they could be as smart as Alex Smith.

Like anyone who is rich and famous, Alex Smith has his detractors. A couple of fellows who were miserable failures have even blamed Alex Smith for causing them to fail. I won’t mention Mike Nolan and Mike Singletary by name, since this column is not interested in prurient tabloid sensationalism. We’ll just let these two unnamed failures remain anonymous. Besides, everyone knows who they are anyway!

Yesterday, my wife Skeebette gazed at me as I was looking around frantically in my wallet for any sign of some money, and said, “I like you, Skeebs, but I wish you could be more like Alex Smith.”

“Don’t we all,” I replied ruefully.

Just to check it out, being journalistically diligent, I asked my neighbor if he wished he could be Alex Smith. The neighbor replied, “Are you kidding? He’s the most famous, wealthiest athlete in the whole state of California. Who wouldn’t want to be like him!”

How could a mild mannered guy, from Utah no less, manage to move to the Bay Area and amass such a fortune with practically no extraordinary talents whatsoever?! It is truly amazing.

When it comes to 49er football, Alex Smith is all anyone wants to talk about. The team has a Pro Bowl linebacker, a Pro Bowl tight end, a Pro Bowl defensive tackle, a Pro Bowl punter, and a brilliant new coach fresh from astounding success at Stanford, yet fans still only want to talk about Alex Smith. Nobody else. Just Smith. Everything on the team, even the defense, is still all about Alex Smith.

I don’t get it. Maybe I’m suffering from envy or something, but what’s the fascination?! It’s creepy, if you ask me. The team plays the Raiders this week, so I went over to a Raider blog and they are talking about Alex Smith over there, too. Is there no place in California that has been declared an Alex Smith Free Zone? They got every type of Free Zone in the world in California. There must be one for Alex Smith, too.

I’d make this site an Alex Smith Free Zone, but the bloggers won’t let me. Even if I don’t mention him at all, sure enough, somebody else does. People will probably still be bringing up Alex Smith even after he’s retired and moved back to Utah and hasn’t left his house in twenty years! This is one hellava celebrity, ladies and gentlemen.

Well, I’m going to the game this weekend. From what I hear, actual games are about as close as it gets to being an Alex Smith Free Zone. This I gotta see. Or not see, as the case may be.

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40 comments on “Alex Smith
  1. BergerNo Gravatar says:

    This site is getting blown to Smitherines!

  2. BergerNo Gravatar says:

    If Smith was a Marine, would that make him a Smitherine?

  3. BergerNo Gravatar says:

    Do we play the Redskins this year, would that mean Mr. Smith goes to Washington?

  4. BergerNo Gravatar says:

    If Alex cooked with Wesson vegetable oil would that be Smith and Wesson?

  5. SkeebersNo Gravatar says:

    Don’t forget the blacksmiths, or smithys as they say.

  6. BergerNo Gravatar says:

    If he fell off a stage would that make him Patty Smith? Or was that Smyth? Some would say he’s already fallen off stage!

  7. bigtimNo Gravatar says:

    I am pretty much over talking about Alex Smith, except to say he’s not moving to Utah he’s from San Diego

  8. robNo Gravatar says:

    lol imo skeebs is right ! like i said the other day … smith is smith ! a shell-shocked system QB who will never just kick back and play football ! he over-analyzes everything and never seems comfortable out there! maybe with a good scheme good coaching and better blocking (under harbaugh)he’ll become the average starter / good backup i think he still can be ! if he doesn’t do it this year , and keeps throwing to the feet of his recievers , i’m afraid well have to wright off our (former) #1 pick !
    🙁

  9. robNo Gravatar says:

    oops … i mean we’ll have to write off …

  10. Grumpy GuyNo Gravatar says:

    I don’t know about sick of hearing about him, but I surely am sick of watching him misfire and throw interceptions. Can we have a Alex Free Zone at Candlestick?

  11. robNo Gravatar says:

    c’mon grump , it’s called watching the other team on offense !
    it happens every time and lasts longer and longer as the game goes on ! don’t you get enough of it every time we go 3 and out ?

  12. Grumpy GuyNo Gravatar says:

    Three and Out.
     
    That should be his G-D-d nickname.
     
    “Three and Out Smith.”
     
    You know it’s bad as a fan when the screaming, swearing, crying and laughing all blend into one primal hysterical, shuddering screech of revulsion. I reached that point during the Jimmy Hat Raye era. Now I just twitch and mutter vague obscenities every time the offense comes off the field after yet another fruitless possession.

  13. Unca ChuckNo Gravatar says:

    Nolan never tied his fate to Alex? Really, NoFear? Surely you jest. Nolan wore Alex around his neck like an albatross by the end. Nolan still whines about those days.
    .
    This is from 2008:
    .
    “Thus far,” Nolan told SI’s Peter King, “J.T.’s been better than the other two (Smith and Shaun Hill), and there hasn’t really been much of a gray area. His play’s been better at the position than what we’ve had at any point in the last three years.”
    .
    Then there’s the recent comments that were obviously directed at Smith:
    .
    “I always thought [Hill] was good,” Nolan said via the South Florida Sun-Sentinel. “I would admit to making a mistake not making him a starter at the end. The last year I was there I should have [switched QBs] because he’s a baller. . . . He checks it down. But he’s a guy the players trust will lead them to the end zone. That’s a huge factor.”
    .
    Sure, I thought Smith would fare better after all this time, and if this was a regular offseason, I’m pretty sure he’d be mercifully gone, but the fact remains, Nolan certainly doesn’t come through this scott-free by any stretch of the imagination. Nolan picked Smith because Smith was more compliant than Rodgers, and Nolan didn’t like Rodgers ‘attitude’. The whole injury thing was a disaster no matter how you slice it.
    .
    Do I wish him gone? Yes. But whatever malevolent forces out there that decided to tie Smith inextricably to the Niners has succeeded yet again.

  14. Unca ChuckNo Gravatar says:

    Stay tuned for NoFear’s gallant charge to save Teflon Mike’s honor.
    .
    While adding the usual name-calling.

  15. robNo Gravatar says:

    NOFEAR
    don’t bring that up …ok

  16. Unca ChuckNo Gravatar says:

    It’s funny, NoFear. You lash out at Alex supporters the exact same way you lash out at Nolan detractors.

  17. winderNo Gravatar says:

    It’s a terribly sad situation, I can’t believe we gave him 5 mil. Oh yeah, wherever Alex goes, there he is. I just wish he’d take a long walk off a short pier.

  18. winderNo Gravatar says:

    Anyway, we better fix all this or otherwise all those new D players are really gonna regret coming here.

  19. Philippine FanNo Gravatar says:

    Sly dog Skeebs hauls out the old Smith chestnut but it’s warranted now because the endgame is in sight. Does anybody believe that our new QB genius, respectfully, will not be able to create/coach up someone, anyone, to replace Alex? This is the last gasp for sure.
     
    Unless that malevolent fate causes the Niners to HIRE Alex as a coach, to impart his skills don’t you know: “Poise in the Pocket” by Alex. Then because he’s got so much York dough and they become bankrupt he will BUY the team and continue haunting us as the new OWNER. Get used to it people, we will NEVER get rid of him, We’re doomed. He will far outlive us you see. But before we die of asphyxia or sumthin’ we will live just long enough to see him change the team name to reflect its new location: The Utah Smythes
     

  20. Grumpy GuyNo Gravatar says:

    Cross-posted from Unfiltered Land:
     
    “The Portrait of Alex Smith”: Wherein a young QB sells his soul to Old Scratch, thereby keeping his job and boyish appearance forever, even as the game film of him slowly, monstrously turns into an unspeakable image of Steve Spurrier…

  21. SkeebersNo Gravatar says:

    Well, NoFear, it wasn’t a charge so much as just having a little fun. Nolan did go public and accused Smith of not being tough enough (to rescue him, obviously). It was after that Smith went public and remarked on Nolan’s remarks. You tend to forget who started it. And Singletary made it well known Smith didn’t have the leadership he needed (to rescue him). I’ve already pointed out that Chuck’s Florida-Sentinel quote was not directed at Smith, but at J.T. Chuck chose to repeat the charge, anyway. This is how blog “facts” get perpetuated.
     
    As for Smith, I support all the guys on our team, including him. That’s a long way from being a die-hard fan, as you previously hurled at me and I denied that charge. I doubt there is even one die-hard Smith fan anywhere among 9er fans. The only die-hard fan I am is for the 49ers.

  22. Del Mar DennisNo Gravatar says:

    I want to hear more about the fish Rob caught. Bait, tackle, water conditions, etc…That’s much more interesting and noteworthy than today’s subject matter.

  23. Philippine FanNo Gravatar says:

    Grumpy that’s scary; please NO!

  24. Philippine FanNo Gravatar says:

    Don’t worry I’ve read the tea leaves: in 10 years the team will be the Utah Smythes

  25. bigtimNo Gravatar says:

    a small tid bit on Smith supposed 5 mil contract its actually 4.9 mil total with 4 mil guaranteed and .9 mil in bonus money.
    not like it matters to us peasants who pay the bills

  26. robNo Gravatar says:

    DEL
    i was standing in strong currents up to my neck and caught three decent size jack off beautiful boca grande pass !

  27. robNo Gravatar says:

    on live shrimp !
    i bet philfan has some awesome stuff for us about his home there !

  28. BergerNo Gravatar says:

    rob- We did not need to hear about your decent size jack off.

  29. BergerNo Gravatar says:

    Carry on men, this is entertaining stuff.

  30. robNo Gravatar says:

    BERGER
    what a fish story !

  31. BergerNo Gravatar says:

    rob- Did you move from Clearwater?

  32. BergerNo Gravatar says:

    Looks like Aaron Maybin cleared waivers and the 49ers showed some interest. Just say no. I told you guys this guy was a bust before the draft in 2009. You know how I feel about D-linemen that don’t initiate contact.

  33. Philippine FanNo Gravatar says:

    Rob, used to go fishing in small lake in middle of golf course when much younger. Gurami, Tilapia, that voracious Asian pike, forget name.
    There’s a heck of a small boat sea fishing industry out here. I’m a landlubber but best fish I ever saw (and bought) was a half a marlin/swordfish sitting on a table by the side of the road. Cut in half, sitting upright. Down south of Mindanao between here and Borneo are the giant tuna fishing grounds. Plentiful catches every day I hear. You’d love it.

  34. Philippine FanNo Gravatar says:

    3 Jacks? Hell that beats my record

  35. robNo Gravatar says:

    i saw the maybin thing too !
    looks like a bust to me too ! i don’t mind reclamation projects but can we at least get one right before we sign any more ?

  36. robNo Gravatar says:

    holy fu(k
    phil-fan
    sounds awesome !

    berger , got your msg on my phone about the saints game ! thx for that , some good stuff there !
    now we can hope the 0-line will pick up the scheme and come together real soon !

  37. Unca ChuckNo Gravatar says:

    NoFear to the rescue! Shit, I’m sure they are putting the finishing touches on Teflon Mike’s HOF bust.
    .
    You said you didn’t recall the reverse? Well, Nolan calling out Smith in front of the team was the start of it, skippy. “Some of the players appreciated it.” Uh, right. Nolan lost his team by talking shit to the press and talking smack about his team. I think that would go down in the ‘wrong’ column.
    .
    But, yeah, worship away . . .

  38. bigtimNo Gravatar says:

    looks like Maybin is out of the 9ers sights they have dropped out of the running

  39. SkeebersNo Gravatar says:

    New post is up.

2021 Schedule
09/12 - 10:00 AM @ DET
09/19 · 10:00 AM @ PHI
09/26 · 5:20 PM v GB
10/03 · 1:05 PM v SEA
10/10 · 1:25 PM @ AZ
10/17 BYE
10/24 · 5:20 PM v IND
10/31 · 10:00 AM @ CHI
11/07 · 1:25 PM v AZ
11/15 · 5:15 PM v LAR
11/21 · 10:00 AM @ JAX
11/28 · 1:25 PM v MIN
12/05 · 5:20 PM @ SEA
12/12 · 10:00 AM @ CIN
12/19 · 1:05 PM v ATL
12/23 · 5:20 PM v TEN
01/02 · 1:05 PM v HOU
01/09 · 1:25 PM @ LAR

2021 Draft Class
1. QB Trey Lance, North Dakota State
2. OG Aaron Banks, Notre Dame
3. RB Trey Sermon, Ohio State
3. CB Ambry Thomas, Michigan
5. OG/OT Jaylon Moore, Western Michigan
5. CB Deommodore Lenoir, Oregon
5. S Talanoa Hufanga, USC
6. RB Elijah Mitchell, Louisiana
 
2020 Prognostications (Mulligan Version)
WINNERS:
Bullit: 6-10
NJ49er: 6-10

LOSERS:
Skeebers: 7-9
Winder: 4-12

ABSTAINERS:
Grumpy: DNP
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