Truth in Blabvertising

The NFL owners and GMs have been in meetings this week in New Orleans. They will be writing off everything they do as business expenses. Hidden in the costs of these write-offs will no doubt be some hookers, back-rubbers, toe suckers, and other spurious hotel suite late night decadent entertainment.

It’s an accepted fact that the richer and more powerful one becomes, the sicker and weirder one gets. The reverse holds true, also. The poorer you become, the more honest and pure of heart you get. Jesus laid this fact out on the table plain as hell a couple thousand years ago, but in the intervening years, people have kept right on preferring rich and decadent to poor and pure.

These forbidden fruit expenses are ultimately contributing to the Net Profitability of NFL owners’ accounting books. I.E., Owner B says, “We experienced a deficit last year” while thinking “but wow did I get laid.”

The players are understandably cheesed off about this sort of camoflaged expense and want to examine the owners’ books with an ex-IRS auditor’s skill. It will never happen, in any league or any sports arena. Nobody waves their books around for the world to poke through. The players wouldn’t, either. And neither would you or I.

In the end, this Show Me The Books chant is pure theater. In fact, these labor talks could easily be termed the NFL Liars Convention. There isn’t a truthful word coming out of any mouth on either side.

While the owners are having their New Orleans get laid get together, and making momentous decisions like moving the kickoff line from the 40 to the 35 to the 30 and this year back to the 35, the players are demonstrating their keen interest in this meeting by waving their butts around in malls and getting 86ed from said malls. Okay, only Dez Bryant did that, purportedly shouting as he was escorted out, “This is an NFL butt you are dealing with. It will sue the pants off of you.” I stuck it in here because it ridiculed a Dallas Cowboy. It was a butt crack. So sue me.

Meanwhile, the owners’ lackey, Roger Goodell, announced that five teams would be fined for “impermissable contact” with the players on their teams. I’ll let DelMar Dennis handle that eyeball roller. The 49ers, naturally, are rumored to be one of the offending teams. Probably for Jim Harbaugh tossing a football around in February with Alex Smith, and discussing, you know, what else, FOOTBALL.

And that’s the way it is. This is Walter Skeebronkite, reporting from a sewer in New Orleans. [You should see the shit floating around down here. If the aliens ever get wind of this, they’ll beam up off this planet in a hurry.]



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3 comments on “Truth in Blabvertising
  1. BergerNo Gravatar says:

    Good reporting Skeebronkite. Next time it would be a more fun job if you eschewed the sewer.

  2. Del Mar DennisNo Gravatar says:

    Impermissible contact? I hope it didn’t involve any unnecessary roughness. Although many are known to like tacking on the 15 yd variety. I bet this impermissible contact might have been caused by jumping on and off sides. Add some illegal contact, hands to the face and some holding and it’s no wonder a flag was thrown.
     
    My only question: Did somebody get this on tape and where can I buy it?

  3. Del Mar DennisNo Gravatar says:

    Looks like the other Outsiders eschewed from posting today. I guess they’re all busy engaging in some impermissible contact.

2021 Schedule
09/12 - 10:00 AM @ DET
09/19 · 10:00 AM @ PHI
09/26 · 5:20 PM v GB
10/03 · 1:05 PM v SEA
10/10 · 1:25 PM @ AZ
10/17 BYE
10/24 · 5:20 PM v IND
10/31 · 10:00 AM @ CHI
11/07 · 1:25 PM v AZ
11/15 · 5:15 PM v LAR
11/21 · 10:00 AM @ JAX
11/28 · 1:25 PM v MIN
12/05 · 5:20 PM @ SEA
12/12 · 10:00 AM @ CIN
12/19 · 1:05 PM v ATL
12/23 · 5:20 PM v TEN
01/02 · 1:05 PM v HOU
01/09 · 1:25 PM @ LAR

2021 Draft Class
1. QB Trey Lance, North Dakota State
2. OG Aaron Banks, Notre Dame
3. RB Trey Sermon, Ohio State
3. CB Ambry Thomas, Michigan
5. OG/OT Jaylon Moore, Western Michigan
5. CB Deommodore Lenoir, Oregon
5. S Talanoa Hufanga, USC
6. RB Elijah Mitchell, Louisiana
 
2020 Prognostications (Mulligan Version)
WINNERS:
Bullit: 6-10
NJ49er: 6-10

LOSERS:
Skeebers: 7-9
Winder: 4-12

ABSTAINERS:
Grumpy: DNP
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