The 2013 NFL schedule will be released tonight and we can finally put 2012 to rest and start figuring out what the hell will happen in the new season.
Jim Harbaugh will grab the schedule, caress it lovingly, and immediately start game planning for the first opponent next September. Maybe the second opponent, too. Maybe the whole damn season. Our coach. What a madman. If it wasn’t for football, Jim would be unemployable.
But we do have football, and next week we’ll get a bird’s eye peek into the 49ers’ draft room as Trent Baalke sits impassively at the head table, while Harbaugh sits to his right, wearing out a padded rocking chair and fidgeting around like a kid waiting for the recess bell. If I were a woman, I might call this scene “adorable.” Even hardened criminal type women use this word!
But adorable is not a word guys use very much, if ever. Guy words have to have some sort of grunt to them and adorable just doesn’t cut the mustard. If you have trouble remembering these things, here’s a 4 G tip: girls gush, guys grunt. That about sums up the entire history of communication between the sexes.
Marriage counselors hate this kind of inside poop, because if men and women knew how simple it was, they wouldn’t need counselors, who wouldn’t make money for themselves and the divorce lawyers who profit from the end results of their counselations. What a racket!
Anyway, the next time you find yourself a victim of female agushion and are avoiding a domestic abuse response by storming out of the house and screaming silently: “WTF!”, just remember the 4 G’s and walk back inside with a smile on your face and a grunt in your heart. It’s a winner. Of course, you could try cultivating being a nice guy with an occasional adorable tossed in, but it’s a lot of work and not much fun. Ask Tony Dungy if he’s having any fun and you’ll see his face go blank and his eyes start searching the ceiling for clues. Take your pick, though, it’s your life. You can ruin it anyway you want.
The Draft begins one week from today and, as noted yesterday, Baalke started off the obligatory pre-draft presser by assuring the beat reporters he wouldn’t be giving them any straight answers. The reporters could have simply gone, “Okay, see ya!”, and left the room, but they didn’t. They went ahead and asked questions that wouldn’t be answered honestly.
How adorable is that?!
Among the curved, or crooked to you tin foil hat types, answers Baalke foisted off was that the 49ers wouldn’t necessarily draft a safety. This isn’t actually a lie, strangely enough, since there really aren’t any alternatives to maybe we will and maybe we won’t. This Baalke guy is getting pretty good at his job.