Easter has come and gone, and those of you who attempt to give devout behavior at least a smidgeon of your attention can now ease back into your wicked and sinful ways. Those of you who are devoutless devotees can carry on as usual in your relentless journey to the Judgment Door for that inevitable “Oh, Shit!” moment.
It’s April 2 and time to update the 49er Free Agent tracker. Of the 49er FAs, WR Randy Moss, DL Isaac Sopoaga, WR Ted Ginn, TE Delanie Walker, DL Ricky Jean-Francois, and DB Dashon Goldson have all taken a hike for greener pastures — except for Moss, who just got the get lost treatment. K David Akers was also sent packing. Still unsigned by anyone are OG Leonard Davis, LB Tavares Gooden, LB Larry Grant, and LB Clark Haggans. DB Tramaine Brock and DB Darcel McBath have been re-signed by the team.
FAs the 49ers have signed or traded for include WR Anquan Boldin, DL Glenn Dorsey, WR Marlon Moore, K Phil Dawson, QB Colt McCoy, and db CRAIG DAHL!!!
Seven departures, six arrivals, three in limbos, and two re-uppers. Net gain/loss: -2.
If anyone read all the way through the previous three paragraphs without glazing over, we’ll email you a free copy of Help, I’m an Embryo!, the life and times of Spitblood in utero.
Last year at this time, Kyle Williams’ 49er career was on the ropes. Then, after narrowly making the team, he blew out his knee in the ninth game of the season. Net result? He’s now slated to be our #1 punt return guy and 4th wide receiver. He’s made more career progress while on IR than he made as an active player.
While Trent Baalke refurbishes the roster’s basement, attic, and laundry room, Jim Harbaugh and his coaches are no doubt burning the midnight oil trying to devise a way to beat the Seahawks’ Russell Wilson. When last we saw Wilson, he was running around in his own backfield making the 49er defenders look like the Keyston Cops for a ridiculous 17 seconds before anyone could tackle him. He also threw 42 points up on the scoreboard. If the 49ers don’t figure out how to contain this midget, the seasons ahead are not going to be very joyous.
I hope no one is offended by my use of the term “midget.” Actually, I don’t give a crap, but Lip Service is now a national mandate and if I don’t perform it, my license for being an unlicensed nobody will be terminated by a dipshit somebody. You can be politically incorrect now only if you are a member of the slurred group. For instance, I can use the term “honky” because I’m a white caucasian, even though I have no idea what a caucasia is. I can even use “pale face,” which is a little too somber for my tastes. Honky is good, though. It’s got some gusto to it.
Sometimes I envy my Dad, because his generation didn’t have any PC terms. It’s fun to be around him because he still uses all those snappy terms of yore. He gets away with it because he’s really old and is now in the category of being a “character.” As in, “That’s grandpop! What a character.” The grandchildren get a bang out of him.
At any rate, it’s been a long offseason for Chris Culliver. Hopefully, he’ll come back next season wrinkle free and ready to keep his mouth shut when microphones are in the vicinity. This is not the rugged frontier country we grew up to admire, Toto. The bankers have won the war.