The first round of the 2011 playoffs is in the books, with all four home teams winning. There will be no wild card entrants advancing to the Super Bowl this year. Football purists everywhere are pleased. And so is everyone who doesn’t care much for Pittsburgh, Atlanta, Detroit, or Cincinnati. Four cities that no one in the world puts on their must see list. Well, almost no one. Crime investigators might have a soft spot for these burger joints.
Up next is the Divisional Round, which actually makes sense for a change, since only division winners will be playing next weekend. Cue the music for our home town boys. Winners of the NFC West.
The Alex Vultures and 49er Trolls get a new lease on life this week. Embarrassed, shamed, muted, and disgraced during the regular season (the only season the 49er blog world has ever known), these reprobates now get to ignore the 13-3 record and get back to 0-0 and predictions of doom. It’s the postseason now. Let’s see if “Niners Stink” and “Smith Sucks” will work at this level!
In the meantime, true fans everywhere (distinguished by the eager little halos adorning their bean tops) can hunker down, load up the fridge, and spend all week excited as hell! All we need is a modest two game winning streak for a chance to grab Super Bowl win number 6!
Standing in the way of this goal are the New Orleans Saints, one of the most prolific offenses ever enclosed in the Arena League wing of the NFL. As luck would have it, however, this game will be played the old fashioned way — outdoors and on the grass. The Saints are a modest 3-2 team under these less than ideal circumstances. A full two plus touchdowns per game less. A lessness compiled against defenses nowhere near as good as the number one defense in the NFC — our very own San Francisco 49ers. Gosh! Maybe the Saints should think about not showing up. They appear to be severely overmatched!
Further complicating matters for the Saints will be Rusty Punter Syndrome. Their poor punter never has to get off the bench in the home dome. When called upon next Saturday, how will he react to, you know, real atmospheric conditions? One or two shank jobs and good bye Saints!
At least the Saints have a defense. It’s hard to find, but believe me, it’s there. It’s main job is to provide rest for the offense and they do this job very well. Former 49er Abrayo Franklin has helped shore up this crew by adding his body as a speed bump to inconvience opposing runners. Abrayo doesn’t have to dig dirt out of his nose nearly as much playing mostly in domes, so it’s easy to see why he signed there as a FA this past offseason. That and the inconvient fact that nobody else offered him a job.
For those keeping track of the most important position in the game, the following QBs will NOT be playing this coming weekend: Josh Freeman, Matt Hasselbeck, Matt Stafford, Sam Bradford, Kevin Kolb, Andy Dalton, Cam Newton, Mark Sanchez, Phillip Rivers, Tony Romo, Michael Vick, Matt Ryan, and Ben Roethlisberger.
Over the past few days, Outsider blogists have provided some astute assessments of the pros and cons of the 49ers vs Saints matchup, so thanks guys. I spent the weekend deleting one paragraph after another of my own astute assessmongering thanks to your efforts. Hopefully, I’ll get this posted before you all wake up, start posting, and make me delete these paragraphs, too!
Now I’m going to tell you all something I’ve kept to myself for years. None of you ever knew Sid Nobody. He was long before your time, but you all know what a tradition he is for the San Francisco 49ers. And the last thing he said to me, “Skeebs,” he said, “sometime when the team is up against it and the breaks are beating the boys, tell ’em to go out there with all they got and win just one for the Nobody. I don’t know where I’ll be then, Skeebs,” he said, “but I’ll know about it and I’ll be happy.”
So let’s get out there this Saturday and WIN ONE FOR THE NOBODY!!!!