Dear John Letter

In 49er news yesterday, left tackle Joe Staley revealed that his new hobby was tweeting while he was on the john. I’m hoping this isn’t an image that sticks in my mind for any length of time.

Speaking of time, O.J. Simpson lost a court battle yesterday aimed at rehearing his case. So he’s still up there in the middle of nowhere in northern Nevada. Certain areas of Nevada are shaded from the eyes of Google [hint: Area 51], but O.J.’s joint is available for your viewing pleasure. You can zoom in on the place and imagine OJ sitting on the john.

Personally, when it comes to john sitting, I like to imagine Queen Elizabeth, the Pope, and the President ensconced upon said throne. It helps me keep things in perspective. Like when push comes to shove, we’re all just two cheeks and a hole, grunting more or less comfortably. There’s no superstars, glamor queens, or brainiacs in this functional setting.

When I was a kid, I hated taking the time off from play and mischief to perform this basic chore. As a result, I occasionally found myself in a situation where the john was where I found it. A doorway, an alley, between two parked cars, under the neighbor’s tree, — I’m sure you get the picture. Once or twice [he’s lying, way more than two], the john was the worst place possible — the inside of my pants and all down my leg. I can still hear my mother’s voice: “Oh, Skeebers! Go clean yourself up.”

Berger likes to call these moments the Tommy Lasorda hour. I’m not sure why and, since the interlude is an hour and not a minute, didn’t dare ask. As we all know, the real Lasorda eats lots of food. Not all of it stays within and parks itself over his belt.

Plumbers, of course, know all about johns. But their careers are not suitable for cocktail party discussions. When someone asks them what they do for a living, they have to say, “I can’t talk about it.” This mysterious response leads most people to assume they are spies who work for the CIA. This is a rare case where the truth is not stranger than fiction.

Women and men have different views about johns. Men find them suitable for comedy, but not reality, whereas women see no humor in them, but don’t flinch at all when they clean up their two year old.

You have probably guessed by now that this post was written while sitting on the john. Mercifully, for you and me, it’s a short post.

Flush. Whooooosh! Sigh.



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7 comments on “Dear John Letter
  1. Unca ChuckNo Gravatar says:

    Admitting you crapped yer pants rather than come in from playing?

    Priceless, if not sick . . .

  2. delmardennisNo Gravatar says:

    Toilet humor from Skeebers? I expect that shit from Chuck’s blog, not here. Go clean up your act. And crack for that matter.

  3. BergerNo Gravatar says:

    Skeebs- I see you’ve taken shitting to some level of eclat.
    .
    I won’t be posting much for a while, if at all, because I have a sinus infection of epic proportions. It is so bad I can’t even read. I finally went to the doctor yesterday. It feels OK right now. I’m sure I’ll be wondering why I left the house to go to work later on.
    .
    The Lasorda comes from the old saying, “I’m going to drop a couple of friends off at the lake.” Which turned into, I’m going to drop a Lasorda off at the lake. Which these days is just, I need to Lasorda. Can you tell I hate the Dodgers?

  4. delmardennisNo Gravatar says:

    Berger’s a little under the weather, so the WOTD is up for grabs. Maybe a first-timer would like to speak up and give it a whirl.
     
    I can see this phenomenon potentially becoming habit forming, if it isn’t already, and requiring some counseling. Maybe even a 12-Step program. “Hi, my name is Dennis and I’m a WOTDoholic” [Hi Dennis] “It’s been 30 days since I last used the WOTD…”.

  5. delmardennisNo Gravatar says:

    Hey, Berger made it. He’s a trooper. A super trooper. A super pooper trooper.
     
    I’m sick of these Bill Romanowski commercials for his “body builder” crap or whatever the hell it is. I don’t know why, but I don’t think of him as a Niner first. He’s a Bronco and Raider to me. Not to mention one helluva terrible actor.

  6. FranchiseNo Gravatar says:

    Just blew up the nfl combine website, together with all the other draftniks hitting the tweet: 

     

    http://www.nfl.com/combine/participants 

     

    Gabbert and his benelli arm will be there. 

     

  7. delmardennisNo Gravatar says:

    Funny, Berger uses “drop off at the lake.” I’ve always dropped off my friends at the “pool.” Must be a chlorine thing.

2020 Schedule
9-13: L Cardinals 24, 49ers 20
9-20: W 49ers 31, Jets 13
9-27: W 49ers 36, Giants 9

10-4: L Eagles 25, 49ers 20
10-11: L Dolphins 43, 49ers 17
10-18: W 49ers 24, Rams 16
10-25: W 49ers 33, Patriots 6

11-1: L Seahawks 37, 49ers 27
11-5: L Packers 34, 49ers 17
11-15: L Saints 27, 49ers 13

BYE

11-29: W 49ers 23, Rams 20

12-7: L Bills 34, 49ers 24
12-13: L Washington 23, 49ers 15
12-20: L Cowboys 41, 49ers 33
12-26: W 49ers 20, Cardinals 12

1-3: L Seahawks 26, 49ers 23

2020 Draft Class
1. DT Javon Kinlaw, South Carolina
1. WR Brandon Aiyuk, Arizona State
5. OL Colton McKivitz, West Virginia
6. TE Charlie Woerner, Georgia
7. WR Jauan Jennings, Tennessee
 
2020 Prognostications (Mulligan Version)
WINNERS:
Bullit: 6-10
NJ49er: 6-10

LOSERS:
Skeebers: 7-9
Winder: 4-12

ABSTAINERS:
Grumpy: DNP
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