In 49er news yesterday, left tackle Joe Staley revealed that his new hobby was tweeting while he was on the john. I’m hoping this isn’t an image that sticks in my mind for any length of time.
Speaking of time, O.J. Simpson lost a court battle yesterday aimed at rehearing his case. So he’s still up there in the middle of nowhere in northern Nevada. Certain areas of Nevada are shaded from the eyes of Google [hint: Area 51], but O.J.’s joint is available for your viewing pleasure. You can zoom in on the place and imagine OJ sitting on the john.
Personally, when it comes to john sitting, I like to imagine Queen Elizabeth, the Pope, and the President ensconced upon said throne. It helps me keep things in perspective. Like when push comes to shove, we’re all just two cheeks and a hole, grunting more or less comfortably. There’s no superstars, glamor queens, or brainiacs in this functional setting.
When I was a kid, I hated taking the time off from play and mischief to perform this basic chore. As a result, I occasionally found myself in a situation where the john was where I found it. A doorway, an alley, between two parked cars, under the neighbor’s tree, — I’m sure you get the picture. Once or twice [he’s lying, way more than two], the john was the worst place possible — the inside of my pants and all down my leg. I can still hear my mother’s voice: “Oh, Skeebers! Go clean yourself up.”
Berger likes to call these moments the Tommy Lasorda hour. I’m not sure why and, since the interlude is an hour and not a minute, didn’t dare ask. As we all know, the real Lasorda eats lots of food. Not all of it stays within and parks itself over his belt.
Plumbers, of course, know all about johns. But their careers are not suitable for cocktail party discussions. When someone asks them what they do for a living, they have to say, “I can’t talk about it.” This mysterious response leads most people to assume they are spies who work for the CIA. This is a rare case where the truth is not stranger than fiction.
Women and men have different views about johns. Men find them suitable for comedy, but not reality, whereas women see no humor in them, but don’t flinch at all when they clean up their two year old.
You have probably guessed by now that this post was written while sitting on the john. Mercifully, for you and me, it’s a short post.
Flush. Whooooosh! Sigh.