Lap Falling Syndrome

Well, it’s almost here. After the Super Bowl and the Presidential Election, the NFL Draft is probably the third most overhyped event in America.

Apparently, the 49ers are going to take a linebacker, a cornerback, an offensive lineman, or trade down from the number 9 pick. After that, who knows?

I doubt John Lynch will be drafting anybody who failed a drug test at the Combine or got sent home for threatening a hospital worker, though. Making the same mistake twice was never an issue for former GM Trent Baalke, who was a serial repeat offender during his tenure. But Lynch is not likely to be that dumb.

The pre-draft news has been dominated by the four or five quarterbacks who are likely to be picked in the first round, but New Orleans HC Sean Payton thinks none of them are likely to become elite QBs, except maybe for Sam Darnold. I can’t keep these guys straight, probably from complete inattention to detail, but Payton should know, right?

Maybe. He had Drew Brees fall in his lap, which is what made him worth listening to. Just like Bill Belichick had Tom Brady fall in his lap. And some say Joe Montana fell into Bill Walsh‘s lap, too, since he reportedly wanted Phil “Gag Me” Simms instead. Great players falling into your lap has an inordinate effect on the history of the NFL I’m tempted to surmise.

Of course, this would take quite a bit of luster off the fellows holding down the 32 GM jobs around the league, so the NFL has blackballed any effort to point this out. They’d probably blackball me, too, but I have cleverly kept this blog insignificant and powerless for its duration on the web, so far under the radar that not even the Russians have noticed its presence.

So enjoy finding the non-fake TRUTH, still languishing harmlessly in various tiny pot holes around the globe, as it falls into your lap ever so quietly and fortuitously.

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Posted in Waltzing Matilda

Mock Train to Boot Hill

One more week until the 2018 Draft, when the 49ers will select some guys and find out if they can play and if they can stay out of trouble. And the thousands of mock drafts will magically disappear to some graveyard of embarrassing endeavors, never to be seen or even acknowledged again.

Next season’s schedule should be released this week, ushering in the mock prognostications period. This mock period will be held to a higher standard, however, and reside in the right column all year long.

The only sure thing about the Draft is that it will open with Roger Goodell walking to the podium while getting booed lustily. Then the Browns wil screw up the number one pick. Although the Browns have a legitimate GM this year in John Dorsey, so maybe we’ll have to wait until HC Hue Jackson screws up whomever Dorsey selects.

For the first time, the Draft will be shown on more channels than just ESPN. Fox and ABC, plus four cable outlets (ESPN, ESPN2, ESPN Deportes, NFL Network) will all cover the event, elevating the Draft to virtually the same importance as a national political convention.

At any rate, if 33 years of Mel Kiper has stretched you to the breaking point, this year you’ll have an alternative. Although several hours of Troy Aikman might be so awesomely dull that Kiper becomes weirdly appealing again.

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Posted in Draft Board

Lynch Review

GM John Lynch has been a bit chirpy lately, and no wonder. When Jimmy Garoppolo fell into his lap last October, his job security skyrocketed.

Without that bit of luck, the 49ers would have had to sign Kirk Cousins and nobody would be nearly as excited about the future as they are now. It will be interesting to watch the fates of these two QBs over the course of the next few years.

Lynch’s 2017 draft has lost quite a bit of luster over the past year. Top pick Solomon Thomas played closer to ordinary than excellent, and second pick Reuben Foster is one strike away from flaming out of the league.

Third round pick Ahkello Witherspoon is a decent CB, but we’ve seen a lot of decent CBs come through Niner HQ this century, with none of them close to outstanding. Fifth round WR Trent Taylor and seventh round FS Adrian Colbert were probably Lynch’s best picks in the draft.

Nobody looks much like a Pro Bowler at this point, which is a bit disappointing given the high drafting position last year. Lynch has said he relies on Martin Mayhew to help him get acclimated as a GM, which isn’t something that should warm any fan’s heart since Mayhew was formerly the GM of the endlessly mediocre Detroit Lions and in 2016 was the Director of Football Operations for the Giants, who went 3-13 last year.

At the end of the 2017 season, former 49er RB Carlos Hyde crowed that the Niners would be going to the Super Bowl this year. Then he became a free agent and signed with the Browns. Apparently, the SB was not high on his list of 2018 New Year’s priorities.

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Posted in Vacant Observations

Serenading the Grinch

Quite a few days left before the 2018 Draft. Plenty of time for another 6,000 seven round mock drafts to clutter up the NFL universe in an annual exercise that is 99 & 100% pure bullshit.

To some, it’s entertaining bullshit, so have at it, you cheerful lunatics. To others, it’s an inducement to become a baseball fan or go stand on the ledge of a ten story building singing “What’s it all about, Alfie?”.

With all the various bodies trotting across the landscape, from the combine through to the Draft, muttering dumb shit right and left — from players, coaches, and self-appointed analysts — this time of year has become a smorgasbord for every two-bit media wonk ready to pounce on every phrase that deviates from the social justice universe preferred by the various hacks.

Niner Nation is virtually unreadable during the offseason, endlessly pushing the Kaepernick agenda and this year adding in the imagined Eric Reid injustice. To these fleebs, these two players are almost superstars. To people who actually watch the games, these two are bench warmers who played themselves out of starting roles and would rather complain about a league-wide conspiracy than admit their diminished skills.

Pro Football Talk started off as a good idea a long time ago, but is now virtually an anti-NFL entity dispensing its own judgments on every issue that crops up in the league and a whole slew of issues that don’t. It’s Mike Florio reverting to what he was — a lawyer — instead of a guy with minimal football knowledge running an NFL rumor and gossip site.

There was a time, and not that long ago, where the blogosphere was Matt Maiocco, Matt Barrows, and Kevin Lynch and the talk was about football, 24/7, with a generous sprinkling of insults thrown about with relish. Now the Chronicle blog is closed, Maiocco’s on TV, and Lowell Cohn’s son is spewing rabble-rousing manure at the Press Democrat.

What happened? Where did all the diverting amusement of the NFL go? The camaraderie of pigskin bloviation? Has it been slain by the relentless march of the politically correct, humorless millennial mob of diptoids?

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Posted in Around the League

Grabbing the Spotlight

GM John Lynch made some strange statements last week. If we didn’t know that Lynch and HC Kyle Shanahan were BFFs and pulling on the same oar, one might think Lynch was puffing himself up at Shanahan’s expense.

Lynch was speaking about the trade for Jimmy Garoppolo and said “there were some days that Kyle Shanahan was like in mourning, because I think everybody knows his master plan was to have Kirk Cousins come in eventually.” Lynch also goes on to say how proud he is of Shanahan for coming to realize Garoppolo was the right guy to lead the franchise.

Innocent enough, perhaps. But it implies Lynch knew better than his HC about the QB position and his tone is more like a condescending father figure than an equal man-like substance.

It also seems like a breach of privacy to be describing the backstage emotions and thoughts of his supposedly equal partner.

Maybe it’s Lynch who doesn’t feel enough love coming his way. It’s Shanahan, afterall, who gets almost all the kudos for the rising fortunes of the team. Apparently Lynch wants to make sure everyone knows that HE was the guy who brought in Garoppolo, not Shanahan. And he did it despite Shanahan’s resistance.

As for Richard Sherman, I’m sorry. It’s hard enough trying to squeeze up some rah rah for the 49ers this coming season without completely bastardizing myself into rooting for Dickhead, too. I hope the guy gets burned so badly he’s booed off the field. He and his endless mouth do not belong here. It’s criminal trespass. There’s no way this guy can provide enough worth to offset his baggage.

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Posted in FOS Speculation
2018 Schedule
9-9: @ Vikings, 10:00 am Sun.
9-16: vs. Lions, 1:25 pm, Sun.
9-23: @ Chiefs, 10:00 am, Sun.
9-30: @ Chargers, 1:25 pm, Sun.
10-7: vs. Cardinals, 1:25 pm, Sun.
10-15: @ Packers, 5:15 pm, Mon.
10-21: vs. Rams, 5:20 pm, Sun.
10-28: @ Cardinals, 1:25 pm, Sun.
11-1: vs. Raiders, 5:20 pm, Thur.
11-12: vs. Giants, 5:15 pm, Mon.
11-25: @ Tampa, 10:00 am, Sun.
12-2: @ Seattle, 5:20 pm, Sun.
12-9: vs. Broncos, 1:25 pm, Sun.
12-16: vs. Seattle, 1:25 pm, Sun.
12-23: vs. Bears, 1:05 pm, Sun.
12-30: @ Rams, 1:25 pm, Sun.
2017 Draft Class
1. DE Solomon Thomas
1. ILB Reuben Foster
3. CB Ahkello Witherspoon
3. QB C.J. Beathard
4. RB Joe Williams
5. TE George Kittle
5. WR Trent Taylor
6. DT D.J. Jones
6. LB Pita Taumoepenu
7. CB Adrian Colbert
2017 Prognostications
NJ49er: 6-10
Skeebers: 6-10
Bullit: 5-11
Mr Fletch: 5-11
RTFirefly: 5-11
Chuck: 9-7
Grumpy: 4-12
Rob: 9-7
Winder: 4-12