Mouths At Work

Another week and a half until the Draft. That means we’re close to the annual three day hyperbolic mania of Mel Kiper. But as annoying as Kyper can be, he’s much preferable to the goopy, unxious gushings of golf’s Jim Nantz. Just an awful, mind-numbing sycophant. And the corporate stuffed-shirts running the Masters probably think he’s great.

I suppose Bay Area sports fans are somewhat spoiled after witnessing some of the greatest announcers ever over the past many years. Bill King, Lon Simmons, and Hank Greenwald. A trio of all time greats.

The great golf writer Dan Jenkins is no doubt squirming now over Heaven’s happy, happy policies, since he could not contain his disdain for Tiger Woods down here on earth over the past ten years. But his recent death mercifully prevented him from having to cover this year’s Masters.

The 49ers seemed locked in on drafting Nick Bosa, but that was before the MSM went howling after him for his political views and Tweets that seemed to indicate he would not be particularly thrilled to play in San Francisco. Maybe someone should let him know the team actually plays in Santa Clara.

Still, for a guy to think he can be a high profile athlete and nobody but his friends are going to see his Instagrams and Tweets indicates a large bit of stupidity or naivete that has to earn him one strike, at least. Not that pass rushing DEs are renowned for intelligence, but the second pick in the Draft carries heavier obligations than a third round guy. You want the second pick to stay here for ten years, not play out his five year contract and head off somewhere else.

I could throw in Charles Haley here, for wacky DE balance, but this is a post about mouths, not hands or other bodily members considered highly inappropriate by the blood thirsty MSM. Imagine Haley in a social media world and we’d know resoundingly we weren’t in Kansas anymore.

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Posted in Draft Board

Fodder Time

Judging by the Comment section last week, it appears everybody has run out of gas NFL-wise. Pity.

But, gas is a staple commodity of the Outsider, so we’ll soldier on haphazardly, even if it’s in a vacuum.

Besides, when else would we get to talk about Keith Reaser. Dear old Keith was another of many Trent Baalke rejects who spent the offseason keeping his tenuous NFL hopes alive by playing in the suddenly defunct AAF. Last week, he was scooped off the scrap pile by Kansas City, no doubt for camp fodder come August. After all, if he hasn’t distinguished himself as an NFL CB in five years of trying, the odds are pretty steep that he’ll do so now.

Soon he’ll wait for the phone to ring and it won’t, sending him tumbling into the long, dark night of The Life of Chuck. The guy who brags endlessly about who he used to be when he was nothing, railing and cursing at everyone who dares remind him he’s basically still useless.

Maybe some kind soul will rescue him from himself and send him off to the George Foreman school of trading in a mean thug ass whipped personna for a reborn smiling goofball model.

But enough of the rise and fall of Keith Reaser. Mike Singletary tried to use the AAF to pull his NFL HC ambitions off life support, too. It didn’t go so well. Big Mike’s Memphis Express team finished dead last in the league. Cue the blub, blub, blub.

And in 49er news, don’t ask, don’t tell.


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Posted in Waltzing Matilda

Return of the Jed

It was only a matter of time.

For the past two years, Jed York has been quiet, almost invisible. Leaving Kyle Shanahan and John Lynch alone to do their jobs.

Over the weekend, however, word leaked out of 49er HQ that York had sold two seats in this year’s Draft Room for $22,000. Also, a package including a training session with Jimmy Garoppolo and a road trip with the team that fetched $29,000.

The dollar amounts are both ridiculously high and meaninglessly low. High for the bozos buying in, low for the “charity” getting the dough.

The idea of two rich schmucks sitting in the Draft Room during the draft can mean only one thing: York will be strutting around in there trying to look vital to the process of football. No good ever comes from that.

What’s next? Locker room seats, so one can watch the boys getting dressed for a game?

The biggest news the 49ers have made so far in FA is not trading for Odell Beckham. Not sure why the team circulates this sort of non-news. Is it to impress us schmucks in some way? Why advertise failure? Then follow that up by insisting the team doesn’t really need a true Number One wide receiver.

Maiocco says the Niners addressed their woeful DB issues by signing Jason Verrett and re-signing Jimmie Ward. This is taking homerism to a new level. If it’s hanging off his torso, Verrett has broken it or torn it. He won’t make it through the year and neither will the equally oft injured Ward.

Is Verrett here merely to scare Tarvarius Moore or Ahkello Witherspoon into being better than they are? And if either of these two actually becomes a good CB, you can look for opposing QBs to stop letting Dickhead Sherman get away with playing ten to fifteen yards off the LOS on virtually every play.

All we know for sure is that whoever starts in the secondary at the beginning of the year won’t be there at the end. Get ready for another year of Antone Exum and Marcell Harris.

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Posted in The Usual Suspects

FA: If You Blinked, You Missed It

The second week of Free Agency passed without any prurient or otherwise titillating interest. In fact, the whole FA period seemed to be over before it officially began.

If they can milk the draft three days, why not the FA period? Let all teams do their quiet deals, forbidden to disclose any details, then have one team each day, for 32 days, have the news cycle to themselves and announce their activity. This would give fans a whole month to do what they do best: quibble, bitch, moan, threaten, TYPE IN ALL CAPS about the worth or lack of it for each franchise in the league. Or,  cheer wildly even though the franchise only signed a backup punter and a fourth string QB.

We’re about to enter the next phase of the NFL’s year long entertainment cycle called Mock Draft Madness. Mock drafts will be sprouting like weeds from sea to shining sea this coming month as every Tom, Dick, and Harry with access to the internet will be gracing us with their predictions.

I’m mulling over whether to put up my own Mock this year, but have not yet settled on a site that I can copy that none of you readers are likely to stumble across and recognize my deceit. I’m honing in on a newspaper in a state that seems a safe bet, located somewhere between Oklahoma, Missouri, Tennessee, and Louisiana. I obviously can’t reveal the exact location.

This Draft doesn’t seem to have much of anything but defensive linemen at the top of the board. No QBs, CBs, or WRs. That might make George Seifert happy, since he drafted one practically every year, to the point of getting booed for it. But it means there’s not much reward for having the two pick versus the five or six pick. So the 49ers will have to choose one hyped guy from another and it’s almost sure to be the  wrong one.

No offense, John Lynch, but your eye for talent has yet to be a proven commodity.

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Posted in FOS Speculation

Bring Me Your Lame …

The first week of Free Agency has come and gone. A lot of players changed teams and a lot of money changed hands. With the money being tossed at players these days, the “don’t let your kids play football” arguments are going to fall on a lot of deaf ears.

The 49ers were uncharacteristically active this year, signing Tevin Coleman, Kwon Alexander, Jordan Matthews, Jason Verrett, and Dee Ford, along with some special team type reup guys.

Team contract negotiator Paraag Marthe did his usual fine job making it appear the Niners had signed guys to huge contracts yet still making sure that they could be terminated after a year in case the signings turned out to be mistakes. Probably because Marthe has had fairly uninterrupted practice for seventeen years in the art of limiting the damage from 49er mistakes.

Two LBs, a WR, a CB, and yet another RB. Given the injury-prone nature of players during the John Lynch/Kyle Shanahan era, perhaps these two figure you can never have too many RBs since all of them will be carted off at one point or other during the season.

And in that spirit, why not re-sign FS/CB Jimmie Ward for another year instead of signing one of the many talented and healthy safeties that were on the market. We’ll be setting up a betting pool in August as to which game it will be that Ward first limps off the field. Make that July for the pool, since Ward might not make it through Training Camp or Preseason. Heck, he might get hurt before TC while watching TV at home!

At least Ward will have a kindred soul on the roster. In five years with the Chargers, Verrett only made it through the 2015 season without injury. The other four years he spent on IR. Torn labrum, ruptured Achilles, ACL tear, and a torn rotator cuff.

It’s possible the 49ers will start the year with Ward at FS, Verrett at one CB spot, Dickhead Achilles Tear at the other CB spot, and Jacquiski (broke shoulder, busted arm) Tartt at SS. What could go wrong?

Shanahan and Lynch have been able to trade on their reputations through their first two years here, but will not be able to blame another bad season on injuries this time. Not without looking in the mirror and then at the camera as they intone the fateful words: “It was we. We suck!”

Or they could make the playoffs and be the cockiest two sumbitches in the league, with Jed York channeling Chuck and saying he knew it all along!

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Posted in Delusional Therapy
2019 Schedule
9-8: @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers, 1:25pm
9-15: @ Cincinnati Bengals, 10am
9-22: vs. Pittsburgh Steelers, 1:25pm
9-29: BYE

10-7: vs. Cleveland Browns, 5:15pm
10-13: @ Los Angeles Rams, 1:05pm
10-20: @ Washington, 10am
10-27: vs. Carolina Panthers, 1:05pm
10-31: @ Arizona Cardinals, 5:20pm

11-11: vs. Seattle Seahawks, 5:15pm
11-17: vs. Arizona Cardinals, 1:05pm
11-24: vs. Green Bay Packers, 1:25pm

12-1: @ Baltimore Ravens, 10am
12-8: @ New Orleans Saints, 10am
12-15: vs. Atlanta Falcons, 1:25pm
12-21 or 12-22: vs. Los Angeles Rams
12-29: @ Seattle Seahawks, 1:25pm

2018 Draft Class
1. OT Mike McGlinchey
2. WR Dante Pettis
3. LB Fred Warner
3. DB Tarvarius Moore
4. DE Kentavius Street
5. CB D.J. Reed
6. S Marcell Harris
7. DT Jullian Taylor
7. WR Richie James
2018 Prognostications
Closest to the Pin:
  Mr Fletch: 7-9

Bakkentom: 8-8
Grumpy: 8-8
Winder: 8-8
Bullit: 9-7
NJ49er: 9-7
Skeebers: 10-6
Spitblood: 0-16
Rob!!!: 16-0