The 49ers won the battle for last place in the NFC West Sunday in Santa Clara by drubbing the Arizona Cardinals for three hours while cleverly keeping themselves off the scoreboard in the process of this complete butt whipping.
It was a tour de force effort of self-flagellation. Using bargain basement wide receivers, third string running backs, a porous offensive line, and a backup quarterback, the team nevertheless humiliated the lads from Arizona in every category but the scoreboard. They ran 92 plays to Arizona’s 49, held a TOP edge of 40 to 20, and a yardage dominance of 447 to 220.
How did these commandos accomplish a ten point defeat to secure last place? Tut-tut. They simply violated every precept of Jim Harbaugh‘s secret to winning football games: HANG ON TO THE EFFING FOOTBALL!!!!
QB CJ Beathard led the way, as leaders do, by heaving two interceptions and fumbling twice. Third string RB Raheem Mostert accounted for the other turnover by fumbling away his first carry of the day.
The Niners actually had the lead after an excellent game opening TD drive. But it only lasted ten seconds. After a botched extra point (a foreshadowing of the wondrous ignominy that would follow), Arizona took the following kickoff and promptly scored on a 75 yard TD pass, courtesy of CB Ahkello Witherspoon‘s traditionally inept coverage and FS Adrian Colbert‘s asleep at the wheel assistance.
If this game were played in Nevada, there would probably be a point-shaving investigation. But it was played in Santa Clara, where awful football has become the soup du jour. In fact, the Niners have not provided a single winning season to the gullible Santa Clarabels since moving there from San Francisco nearly five years ago. I’m assuming that will be the case this year, too. And it’s likely there will be no dissenting opinions from the audience. Even from the most optimistic specimens at large that might live in Florida!!!
With upcoming games against the Packers and Rams, the 49ers will not be in danger of losing their grip on the NFC West cellar. But after that, there will be a rematch with the Cardinals in Arizona. By that time, the Niners will be 1-6 and the Cardinals have a very good shot at the same record. It will be an epic showdown of inferior football and might lead Arizona to provide free sleeping bags for the money wasting idiots that actually attend the game.