The last stop on our Magic Carpet Tour of the NFL is the AFC West, home of the Kansas City Chiefs, Denver Broncos, San Diego Chargers, and the Bay Area’s dregs of society, the Oakland Raiders. All teams that the 49ers will be knocking heads with this coming year.
The Chiefs might as well be renamed the Ex-Patriots. GM Scot Pioli, OC Charlie Weiss, DC Romeo Crennel, and QB Matt Cassell are all former underlings in Bill Belichick’s empire. Crennel and Weiss have failed as HC’s, one at Notre Dame and one at Cleveland. Cassell looked like a backup QB last year, which he was for a few years in New England. Pioli? The vulchers are assembled in the Belichick Tree tops clicking their evil beaks. Was it all Belichick, or are any of these guys worth a turd? Since they are on the 49ers schedule this year, and playing at home, we shall hope the aroma from Arrowhead Stadium continues to emanate from the plant soil and not from its fruits.
The Broncos are another ex-Patriot production, starring Josh McDaniels. Personally speaking, this scribe has deep skepticism that anyone named “Josh” will ever lead an army of battle tough warriors. Josh has a Lieutenant sound to it, not a Sergeant bark. Worse, the name conjures up the Beverly Hillbillies. Sorry, Joshes of the world. Nice guys finish not first. And aw shucks to you, too. And apologies to my nephew in the Marines. Please don’t come around and beat the snot out of me.
At any rate, the Broncos had a pretty weird season in Josh’s first year at the command post last year. This wonder boy managed to tick off his franchise QB and his star WR, both of whom now will play on other teams. They also blazed out of the gate with a 6-0 record, then fell on their face and wound up 8-8. Pretty much the same scenario played out in Mike Shanahan’s last two years in Denver — the two that got him fired.
The Chargers will again rule this division in 2010. And some toutexperters will pick them to reach the SB. However, the HC is still Norv Turner and last year his team pulled a Marty Schottenheimer by whiffing ignominiously at home in the playoffs. The GM, A. J. Smith, fired Schottsie for this indiscretion, but is stuck with Turner because it’s an ego thing. So he’s doomed to not go to the SB as long as Turner is the HC because Turner is an overrated product of the Cowboys 1990’s team, who has been milking the association for fifteen years, and isn’t ever going to get a team to the SB.
So, A.J., you’re stuck with trying to figure out when it would be okay to fire Norv without anyone remembering to mention it was a mistake to hire him in the first place. Especially if that someone jogging his memory was the owner of the Chargers, who might then jog a little further and conclude the GM might as well be fired, too. It’s three and a half years later, and the Bolts are still no better than they were when Schottenheimer took them to a 14-2 record. In fact, they are worse. This team does not have the look of a team still rising.
And finally we arrive at the final around-the-league peep-a-roni, the Oakland Raiders. Last season, this franchise set the all time record for stinking up the joint by becoming the first team in NFL history (–> ! <-) to lose at least 11 games in 7 consecutive seasons. Put another way, for seven straight seasons, they have failed to win more than five games on the schedule. And who held the previous record? The 2008 Raiders at 6 consecutive seasons! Honnnnnnnnnnnnk!!! Beeeeeeeeeeeep!!!
Wow. This is some serious farting under the covers stuff, folks. I mean loud, baaarrriiippping and baaarrraaappping wet stuff, baby. Sheet wreckers. Toxic nose melters. The Raiders have been experiencing regular home game blackouts for 15 years! They’ve heaved about a hundred and fifty million dollars at three players who can’t play a lick: Darrius Heyward Bey, JaMarcus Russell, and Javon Walker. Walker and Russell have already been cut. The coaching staff has more fight than the team, but staff meeting punch outs aren’t exactly the way to study film.
Al Davis turned 81 on July 4th. IOW, HE’S NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER, BABY. Davis’s main achievement the past few years has been lining the internet bulletin boards with his Undead Al skull photograph, captured at the creepy news conference he held to explain the firing of Lane Kiffin. This is way past tragedy and head long into the weird and strange world of Underground Comics.
They got one thing absolutely correct over there in Oakland, though. The Black Hole. Baby.