At first glance, the 49ers 2014 schedule looks a bit daunting. In the first seven games, they face three 2013 playoff teams (Eagles, Chiefs, Broncos), a ten win team (Cardinals), a couple of QBs who can be streaky good or streaky bad (Romo, Cutler), and the always tough at home Rams.
In the pre-Harbaugh era, I’d have looked at this schedule, marked down 5-11, and started building my Sundays around drugs and alcohol, with as many pain killers as I could get my hands on.
Now, I mark down 11-5, THEN look at the schedule, knowing I’ll go to bed happy three out of four Sundays, then gloat on the blogs during the following week and complain about the margin of victory, a missed block, a dropped pass, or a stuffed 3rd and one.
The big, bad NFC East is on the schedule this year. They’re no longer big, just bad. Not tough bad, either. The East is home to two of the biggest dipshit owners in the NFL — Dan Snyder and Jerry Jones. The Washington Embarrassments and the Dallas Laughingstocks. Elite has had the “te” stripped from his resume, turning his team into the New York Midgets, which leaves only the Philadelphia Chipmunks to uphold the division’s fading prestige. The Niners went 3-1 against the East in 2011 and could easily go 4-0 this time around.
We also play the AFC West this year, providing the team with its only one, true laugher — a slaughtering of the Oakland Raiders. The Niners crowed after the Super Bowl that they would have whipped the Broncos, too, and they’ll get that chance in October in Denver. Since this is a regular season game, it’ll be tough to beat Manning at home — before the playoffs start, his arm turns into a noodle, and his heart channels Greg Norman.
Throw in a split with the Bears and Saints, a modest 4-2 division record, and voila! An easy 11+ win season and another date with playoff destiny — or infamy.