Mid-Semester Grades

The 2010 49ers are making it real tough to stay positive about them. To say the least. But, we’ve only got one season per year, with a looooonnnnnnnnnggggggggg time between one of them and the next one, so WTF. Go Niners! Roar back from the dead and shock the world.

The first quarter of the season is in the books and here are the team’s mid-semester grades:

— Special Teams: F
— Offense: F
— Defense: F
— Coaching: F
— Conclusion: Improvement Needed

When I was in school, a couple centuries ago, this sort of report card would result in a trip to the woodshed for a good old fashion butt whapping. My dad had pretty big hands and not much patience, so he never bothered taking off his belt for these affairs. Five fingers spread eagled outward from the palm, one hand gripping my shoulder, and the other swooping in and up with gusto. Afterward, I could look at my butt in the mirror and count the hand prints for severity classification.

Teachers could whack your butt in those long ago days, too. I had two sinister fellows — a seventh grade teacher and an eighth grade hacker — with homemade paddles. The first evil fellow had a paddle that was painted red, with black trim, and the eighth grade butcher had a yellow swatter with black trim and holes drilled in it for some serious rearend welt implanting. They even named these tools of pain: the Red Death and the Yellow Jacket.

Those of us who liked to goof off in class kept track of how many “swats” we racked up during the year, like it was a badge of honor. One fellow student, already well on his way to a life of serious wackoville, took pleasure in answering the teacher’s signoff message of “Had enough?” by grinning like a loon and responding “No.”

At any rate, our Red & Gold fellows have stunk it up pretty good so far. Google mapping down on 4949 Centennial Blvd., I do not see a woodshed on the lot. Pity. I think Mike Singletary would be very excellent out there getting the players attention.

It occurs to me that we should rename the team to the Steve Debergs. Just good enough each week to make losing interesting. Personally, I prefer an ugly victory like the one last year against Chicago. But right now, I’ll take anything that puts a 1 in the win column.

Sunday, we got your Philadelphia Eagles at Candlestick. That team has kicked our butts pretty good lately, but Donovan McNabb was the QB then, not Kevin Kolb. So maybe we won’t be seeing those 80 yard rockets to DeSean Jackson this weekend.

The best thing going for the 49ers this week might be the San Francisco Giants. They are in the post season this year for the first time since the last time the Niners were also in the post season. Maybe there will be a rub off factor. I haven’t dragged out the rub off factor yet, so why not? At the very least, most of the Bay Area press is moving their microscope laboratory over to Pac Bell Park this week, giving the Niners some time out of the spotlight to regroup, dig in, and start resembling the team we thought we had when the season started.

Then again, there is the praying factor. I haven’t resorted to that one yet. Saving it for next week, just in case. When you get to the praying factor, you know it’s out of your hands and Divine Intevention is the only remaining hope. So, first, I will close with the begging factor: PLEASE GET A WIN THIS WEEK, NINERS!! PLEASE, PLEASE, I’M BEGGING YOU. ALMOST ON MY KNEES, BUT NOT QUITE, BEGGING AND PLEADING. BEAT THE EAGLES!!! BEAT THEM, YOU BUMS!!



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11 comments on “Mid-Semester Grades
  1. BergerNo Gravatar says:

    I think your grades were a little too lenient. Is there anythnig less than an F?

  2. BergerNo Gravatar says:

    Funny struff about the paddle. If you didn’t get a swat on my high school football team you were a nobody.

  3. SkeebersNo Gravatar says:

    Last time I saw the loon character above, near the end of 8th grade year, he was running across the local golf course, half naked and bare foot, with three cops chasing him. No way they were going to catch him, he was a fast sumbitch. Never saw or heard from him again.

  4. Grumpy GuyNo Gravatar says:

    I have to concur with the grades. Its been ugly this year. The Eagles are beatable on paper with their current injuries but two thoughts. One, I find it personally abhorrent for the 49ers – once a truly great team – to be reduced to hoping to catch teams crippled by injury to get a win. Two, Andy Reid is a far better coach than Singletary. He certainly will see on film that the 49ers have serious trouble with speed on the edges, and will look to get the ball to DeSean early and often. On defense, the die has been cast – make Alex work the length of the field, without giving him anything cheap, and he will beat himself more often than not. It would be nice to get a win, but until this team shows up and plays a decent game…

  5. SkeebersNo Gravatar says:

    Hey, Grumpy. Nice to see you here.

  6. Grumpy GuyNo Gravatar says:

    Thanks, Skeebs. Wish we had more pleasant 49er news to discuss. Its been a long season and we’re only a quarter of the way through.

  7. BergerNo Gravatar says:

    Good morning Grumpy!

  8. BergerNo Gravatar says:

    NoFear- To me it looks like a pass to Gore is an easy decision. Of course, I don’t know if the coach told him to get it down field or not. First and fifteen, I can understand looking deeper. But holy moly, they just gave Gore a one on one match-up with a corner. I like those odds. Plus, if Alex gets it to Gore there is no talk bout a sack.
     
    I read today on twitter that we are the youngest offense in the NFL. That would explain some tings for sure.

  9. SkeebersNo Gravatar says:

    And that is despite having Sims, Westbrook, Heitmann, and Norris. Don’t know if Singletary will be HC next year, but if somebody else is, he will have a solid young group of players to make himself brilliant with.

  10. unca_chuckNo Gravatar says:

    you think the Yorks would look to Parcells to GM?

    This team is much better than the sum of its parts. The problem is mainly on the coaches.

    The failure to proterct the ball and protect leads is monumental.

    I’d agree with you about the youth of the team, but it’s the vets that are fucking up, for the most part.

  11. FranchiseNo Gravatar says:

    F on special teams? Shame on you Skeebers for ignoring the 5th best player on our team this season – that’s right, Andy Lee, our Pitt Pro Bowl Punter. Coincidentally he’s ranked 5th in punt average this season:

     

    http://espn.go.com/nfl/statistics/player/_/stat/punting/sort/puntYards

     

    Thanks in large part to our inept 3-n-out offense. Boost ST to a C-.

     

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2017 Schedule
Sept. 10: vs Carolina: L 3-23
Sept. 17: at Seattle: 9-12
Sept. 21: vs. L.A. Rams: L 39-41
Oct. 1: at Arizona: L 15-18
Oct. 8: at Indianapolis: L 23-26
Oct. 15: at Washington: L 24-26
Oct. 22: vs. Dallas: L 10-40
Oct. 29: at Philadelphia: L 10-33
Nov. 5: vs. Arizona: L 10-20
Nov. 12: vs. N.Y. Giants: W 31-21
Week 11 — Bye
Nov. 26: vs. Seattle, 1:05 p.m.
Dec. 3: at Chicago, 10 a.m.
Dec. 10: at Houston, 10 a.m.
Dec. 17: vs. Tennessee, 1:25 p.m.
Dec. 24: vs. Jacksonville, 1:05 p.m.
Dec. 31: at L.A. Rams, 1:25 p.m.
 
2017 Draft Class
1. DE Solomon Thomas
1. ILB Reuben Foster
3. CB Ahkello Witherspoon
3. QB C.J. Beathard
4. RB Joe Williams
5. TE George Kittle
5. WR Trent Taylor
6. DT D.J. Jones
6. LB Pita Taumoepenu
7. CB Adrian Colbert
 
2017 Prognostications
Bullit: 5-11
Chuck: 9-7
Grumpy: 4-12
Mr Fletch: 5-11
NJ49er: 6-10
Rob: 9-7
RTFirefly: 5-11
Skeebers: 6-10
Winder: 4-12

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