The 2010 49ers are making it real tough to stay positive about them. To say the least. But, we’ve only got one season per year, with a looooonnnnnnnnnggggggggg time between one of them and the next one, so WTF. Go Niners! Roar back from the dead and shock the world.
The first quarter of the season is in the books and here are the team’s mid-semester grades:
— Special Teams: F
— Offense: F
— Defense: F
— Coaching: F
— Conclusion: Improvement Needed
When I was in school, a couple centuries ago, this sort of report card would result in a trip to the woodshed for a good old fashion butt whapping. My dad had pretty big hands and not much patience, so he never bothered taking off his belt for these affairs. Five fingers spread eagled outward from the palm, one hand gripping my shoulder, and the other swooping in and up with gusto. Afterward, I could look at my butt in the mirror and count the hand prints for severity classification.
Teachers could whack your butt in those long ago days, too. I had two sinister fellows — a seventh grade teacher and an eighth grade hacker — with homemade paddles. The first evil fellow had a paddle that was painted red, with black trim, and the eighth grade butcher had a yellow swatter with black trim and holes drilled in it for some serious rearend welt implanting. They even named these tools of pain: the Red Death and the Yellow Jacket.
Those of us who liked to goof off in class kept track of how many “swats” we racked up during the year, like it was a badge of honor. One fellow student, already well on his way to a life of serious wackoville, took pleasure in answering the teacher’s signoff message of “Had enough?” by grinning like a loon and responding “No.”
At any rate, our Red & Gold fellows have stunk it up pretty good so far. Google mapping down on 4949 Centennial Blvd., I do not see a woodshed on the lot. Pity. I think Mike Singletary would be very excellent out there getting the players attention.
It occurs to me that we should rename the team to the Steve Debergs. Just good enough each week to make losing interesting. Personally, I prefer an ugly victory like the one last year against Chicago. But right now, I’ll take anything that puts a 1 in the win column.
Sunday, we got your Philadelphia Eagles at Candlestick. That team has kicked our butts pretty good lately, but Donovan McNabb was the QB then, not Kevin Kolb. So maybe we won’t be seeing those 80 yard rockets to DeSean Jackson this weekend.
The best thing going for the 49ers this week might be the San Francisco Giants. They are in the post season this year for the first time since the last time the Niners were also in the post season. Maybe there will be a rub off factor. I haven’t dragged out the rub off factor yet, so why not? At the very least, most of the Bay Area press is moving their microscope laboratory over to Pac Bell Park this week, giving the Niners some time out of the spotlight to regroup, dig in, and start resembling the team we thought we had when the season started.
Then again, there is the praying factor. I haven’t resorted to that one yet. Saving it for next week, just in case. When you get to the praying factor, you know it’s out of your hands and Divine Intevention is the only remaining hope. So, first, I will close with the begging factor: PLEASE GET A WIN THIS WEEK, NINERS!! PLEASE, PLEASE, I’M BEGGING YOU. ALMOST ON MY KNEES, BUT NOT QUITE, BEGGING AND PLEADING. BEAT THE EAGLES!!! BEAT THEM, YOU BUMS!!